January 15, 2013

I Refuse to Hold Myself Back

I worked out with my trainer last night.  We started off with squats and did over 300 of them.  Then she set up a circuit where we would spend three minutes at each station.  Each station focused on core, chest or shoulders.  Then we did a core circuit and did every kind of core workout possible.  I bought a new workout outfit this weekend and all of the girls loved the outfit.  Pretty crazy how a new outfit can boost my motivation to workout! All in all, it was a good strong workout.

During our training sessions, all of us girls like to chit chat.  They are all older than me.  They all have been married, some divorced, they all have children and best of all, they have great advice.  I have talked to them about my struggles when it comes to my weight, my dating life and my friendships.  They are so supportive of me and I really feel like they are rooting for me.  So each time I go on a date, lose weight, or make a break through, I love sharing it with them.

So of course, I told them about my date. They saw the excitement in my eyes and I could see they were genuinely so happy and excited for me.  They grilled me just like my Mom would.  What's his name? Does he have a job? Did he go to school? How old is he? Was he a gentleman? Do you have a second date yet? All the questions showed how much they care and how supportive they are. I also shared with them that I am so afraid this is too good to be true. No guy is THIS nice to me, ever.  Every single one of the ladies raised their voice and told me to quit it. They told me this is how guys are supposed to treat a woman and that I deserve to be treated well, just like everyone else does.  Clearly I have been dating the wrong guys! 

When I signed up for this personal training, I had very low expectations and was so nervous that I would be judged by these women. I was intimidated that I wouldn't be able to keep up with them and that they wouldn't like me.  Here I am, four months later, and I am surrounded by wise, supportive women who want to see me succeed and who are struggling to get fit, just like me.  I would have missed out on so much had I let my fear hold me back.

I am slowly realizing that it is not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. I saw this quote and it is so true.  For far too long, I have focused on what I don't have and what I am not.  I am not pretty enough, I am not deserving, I am not good enough, I am not thin enough, I am not nice enough, I am not funny enough, I am not as fun as them, I am not strong, I am not smart enough.  Never enough.  That is how I have viewed myself.  Constantly cutting myself short.  Why would anyone want to be with someone like that? The best part of the quote is the word 'think'.  Who you think you're not.  What standards am I comparing myself to? 

Focusing on all of these things that I think I am not, holds me back from doing a lot of things in life.  It has held me back from losing weight, joining a gym, meeting new friends, dating, joining a small group at church. I am finally realizing all of the great things I have missed out on by telling myself I am not good enough.  I joined a gym, I joined a bible study, I went to a new Church service, I joined a personal training class, I started dating and I am beginning to make new friends through Church and the gym.  A few things I have wanted to do, and haven't - yet - are, take tennis lessons, join a bigger gym with fitness classes, join a running club, take golf lessons.  These are some things that I will do - not going to hold myself back any longer.

Just like yesterday - I will continue to remind myself that I am DESERVING of good things.  I will not hold myself back anymore.  I deserve to be treated well. I deserve to do the things I want to do.  Most of all, I deserve to be happy.

Jess


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