January 8, 2013

I am Lovable

Can I just tell you, I absolutely love this quote.  I saw this on Instagram last night and I just really had to share.  

Last weekend, I had dinner with my Mom, sister and our family friends.  Not sure how we got on the topic, but we started talking about my last relationship that I ended last May.  After the relationship ended in May and my family found out all the details of what happened, they often asked me, "What in the world were you thinking?!".

I asked myself this question for a long time and sometimes I still do.  What was I thinking? Countless red flags from day one and neither of us were ever very happy with each other.  So why? Why stay in a relationship for so long if both people were miserably unhappy?  

I think there were several reasons why I stayed so long.  I think I got comfortable in the relationship.  Breaking up is never fun so I figured it was just easier to stay in the relationship.  Plus, being in a relationship is what (I thought) I was 'supposed' to do.  I got so sick of people asking when I was going to get a boyfriend, so I got one.  Yes, a very dumb reason to get a boyfriend.  But more than anything, I hated myself so much that I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to be with me.  He said he loved me, I never believed him, but he said it.  How could anyone love me when I hated myself so much? I remember, I would often make him mad because I asked him all the time if he loved me. I saw myself as unlovable. 

I know I talk about this relationship a lot, and I apologize if it is annoying.  But this relationship was such a turning point in my life.  Had I not left that relationship, I honestly don't think I would have ever found happiness. Drastic, but it is the truth. Its been almost eight months since that relationship ended and I am finally starting to date again. Ending the relationship and giving myself the time to find myself and heal was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I have started dating again - finally!  I wrote in a post last week about having a date this past Saturday.  He wanted to hang out around noon.  Before the date on Saturday, I got a long text message.  He was cancelling the date because he was feeling guilty about dating more than one person.  Yes, more than one person.  Usually, this would make me so incredibly angry.  I hate when guys tell me they don't want to see me anymore.  But, this time around, the only thing I was mad about what the fact I cut my workout short to see him.  :)

know I am loveable because I love myself.  I know I am worthy of a good guy, who is not dating multiple girls.  I am content in who I am as a person.  If a guy bails on me or wants to date someone else, its not the end of the world.  After he texted and bailed, I went to the gym and burned a whopping 640 calories on the elliptical and did a really strong leg workout. Go me! (This went in my happy memory jar!) Had this happened six months ago, I probably would have cried and would have been mad at myself. 

I know I am not to my goal yet and certainly don't look like a fitness model.  But, this is progress - huge progress for me.  Being happy all on my own, not needing someone else to make me happy or tell me they love me.  I really love who I am becoming and I think this quote says a lot about where I am with myself right now.  

I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice.  I am not rich, but I am valuable.  I will never pretend to be someone I am not, because - finally - I am good at just being me.  I am not proud of things I have done in my past, but I am so incredibly proud of the person I am today. I am not perfect - and never will be, but I don't need to be.  Take me as I am, or I will gladly walk away.

I am confident in the person I am.  I am confident that I am loveable, valuable and deserving.  My happiness does not rely on anyone but myself.  Best of all, I am really happy.

Jess

1 comments:

  1. Sounds like you are on the right track, so happy you were able to recognize that relationship wasn't for you

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