January 12, 2013

Good Things

I am sitting at Starbucks right now, anxious out of my mind.  I have had this lingering headache and body aches for three days.  Slept in this morning, took some excedrin migraine and was feeling better.  I watched Dateline this morning.  Sometimes I question why I watch it because, frankly, it scares the crap out of me.  Every Saturday I watch Dateline and every time I do, I usually regret it.  Its depressing, its sad, makes me think about how scary this world is.

The show makes me anxious. When I say anxious, I mean my heart feels like it is beating out of my chest, I shake, I feel like I am out of breath.  This anxiety might be due to the fact I haven't worked out in three days because I have been trying to rest so I can feel better.  But either way, this anxiety is making me sick to my stomach.

I have a date in two hours and I really need this anxiety to go away. I should have made time to go to the gym today, but at this point I just don't have time.  So, I thought getting out of the house, having a cup of coffee and blogging would get my mind off of things.  

So, I would like to share a few good things to calm myself down.

This past week, while I was working out with my trainer.  My boss's boss came down to the gym to run after work.  He looked at me and told me I was looking svelte.  I laughed, assumed it was a compliment and said thank you.  Not sure what svelte meant, so I had to google it that evening.  Svelte: slender or graceful in figure or outline; slim. This marks the first time someone has noticed my weight loss. I tend to be hard on myself and focus on how far I have to go, rather than celebrating how far I have come.  His compliment meant a lot to me.

Last night, I went to Fred Meyer to get some medicine.  I decided to look through the shoe section while I was there.  I tend skip through the boot section and head right to the ballet flats.  Ballet flats were expensive, and right before I left, I noticed the boots were all on clearance.  So, I decided to take a look.  I was brave and tried on a pair of knee high, medium heel boots.  I usually avoid any boot with a heel because I think it makes me look like Miss Piggy on stilts.  I tried them on, they slipped over my calves and what do you know, they looked good.  If you have been following my blog, you'll know I have struggled finding boots that fit over my calves. I usually can't even get them to zip up, let alone have room to tuck my jeans in them.  Every pair I tried on (except one) fit great.  I could tuck my jeans in them, wear tall socks and still have room around my calf when they were zipped up.  I was able to choose the style of boot I liked.  I had a selection to choose from.  Months ago, I was lucky if I could find one pair of boots to fit over my calves.  This was one of those moments that made me really happy, happy enough that I had to put it in my happy memory jar.

Today, as I got ready for my date.  I was stressing about what to wear.  Its a nice restaurant, but not sure if I should wear jeans or wear slacks.  I hate wearing my slacks because they are too big for me, plus they make me feel like I am going to work.  I called the restaurant, first to ask if they have gluten free items on their menu and second, to see what the dress code was.  Sounds stupid to call and ask, but if I didn't, I know I would have been stressing out about it.  So, they said it ranges, but I would be totally fine in nice jeans and a nice top.  So, that is exactly what I am wearing.  The jeans I am wearing today, I bought them back in the summer at Nordstrom Rack. I bought them because I loved that the back pockets had a little bling on them. They were tight, gave me quite the muffin top.  I would have bought a bigger size, but unfortunately, they were the biggest size the designer made.  I was determined to buy them and just make them work. There was absolutely no way I was going to go to a different store that sold bigger clothes.  So here I am today, wearing the same jeans I squeezed into months ago.  My jeans are staying up with the help of a belt today.  I can slide them on and off without even unbuttoning them.  

I struggle to give myself credit, credit that I am working hard and making progress.  I still see myself as Fat Jess.  The girl who ate apple fritters and lattes for breakfast, ate McDonald's several times a week, thought Cheetos should be its own food group.  The girl who never worked out and who ate to make herself feel better.  I am not that girl anymore.  Sure, I am not quite the girl I want to be, but I can be happy that I am not that girl I once was.  

I am going on a date tonight.  My first date with this guy.  Nervous, yet excited.  Although I will always probably be slightly nervous that my date won't like me, I am much more confident than I once was.  I can't control what a guy likes or what they are looking for, but I can be confident that I have a lot to offer someone.  I understand looks are important when it comes to dating, but I know that if a guy genuinely likes me for me, they won't focus on my weight or what I am wearing.  They will be able to see past that and see that I am a hard worker, motivated, ambitious, a good friend, a nice person, honest, funny and lovable. 

So, as I write, my anxiety is slightly less than it was before and I think I am dehydrated because I am shaky and slightly dizzy. Nervous for my date, but trying to remind myself that each first date gets me closer to my last.  

Happy Saturday.

Jess

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