January 30, 2013

One Fear At a Time

Yesterday's goal was to go to my new gym and go to spin class.  Class didn't start until 6:30.  Since the gym is less than five minutes from my place, I was able to go home, change, take my dogs out, do dishes and get my coffee ready for the next day.  That way, after spin class, I could come home and just relax without having to do any chores.

I was really anxious about going to my new gym because I was completely overwhelmed by the gym last time. To calm my nerves, I decided to leave for the gym around 6 so I would have plenty of time to get to the gym, park, put my stuff in the locker and grab a bike.  The gym parking lot was absolutely packed, which didn't help my nerves.  I walked in the gym and instantly saw a few people I knew.  They were so into their workouts that they didn't even notice me.  I went to the locker room, put my stuff away and went into the bathroom stall.  I just stood there and gave myself a pep talk.  I can do this.  This is just a gym, nothing to be scared about.  I may not be as fit as all of the girls running around in sports bras, but I am fit - and much more fit that I ever have been.  I looked in the mirror and realized I am my biggest enemy, when I should be my biggest cheerleader. I am the only person that holds me back.

By 6:15, I was in the spin room (which I found just fine) and I got my bike adjusted and ready for class.  I was nervous about which bike to choose because  I didn't want to be in the front row, but in the back row, my butt would be facing everyone on the treadmills. I chose a bike in the back row at the very end. Everyone looked like they knew what they were doing and knew how to use the bikes.  I was slightly relieved when I realized all the girls sitting around me had never even been to a spin class and had no idea what they were doing.  This gym just opened this past weekend.  I tend to forget that we are all new to the gym and we are all learning how to use the equipment and where things are at.

At 6:30, class started.  Within the first five minute, I had sweat dripping off of my face.  There was one woman who complained about how much time we spend out of the saddle and then she left the class. Personally, I loved this particular instructor because of how much time she had us out of the saddle.  She had great music, it was all stuff I would put on my own iPod to workout to.  The hour went by so fast, felt like I could have done another hour on the bike.

I was so nervous that I would be the biggest one in class, that I wouldn't be able to find the room, that I wouldn't be able to figure out how to use my bike and that I wouldn't be able to keep up in class.  But none of this was true.  I was not the biggest person in class. I found the room just fine. I learned to use the bike just like everyone else. I kept up with the instructor, never had to lower my resistance or sit down and take a break.  I was so afraid and nervous.  By the time class was over, I was wondering when I could go to spin again.

I have a lot of fears about this new gym.  Going to the fitness classes - spin, yoga, bootcamp, step, zumba, and using the weights.  I still have a lot of fears, the weight room being the biggest, but I am really glad I conquered one of them last night.  Spin was awesome and I am so glad I went.  I faced my fear and now I don't have a fear about going back to spin class.  Slowly, I will face all of these fears.  I will conquer yoga, bootcamp, step, zumba and the weight room just like I conquered spin class.

One fear at a time.  I can do this. I will do this.

Jess

January 29, 2013

Gym Motivation of the Day

I am going to my new gym this evening.  I am looking forward to working out, but not looking forward to going to my new gym.  There is a spin class tonight and I really want to go.  The fitness classes at this new gym is one of the main reasons I decided to join.  Wanted to switch up my workouts to incorporate yoga, zumba, bootcamp and spin. So as much as I don't want to go to this gym tonight, I have to keep reminding myself that this gym is a good thing and it is going to help me reach my goal a little bit faster.

Attitude is everything.  If I continue to dread this gym and tell myself I don't fit in, then I am only hurting myself. Comparing myself to the other girls at the gym and getting overwhelmed by all of the high tech equipment isn't helping.  The purpose of going to the gym is to get in shape, lose weight and gain confidence in myself. I am there to work on myself. I am not at the gym judging anyone else because I am focused on myself.  So I would like to think that everyone else at the gym is working on themselves too and don't have time to judge me. Everything I am nervous about is all in my head. I just need to readjust my attitude.

So I am just going to tell myself that I can do this.  I can become a regular at this gym just like I did my last gym.  I will learn to use the high tech machines and I will learn where all of the classes are.  It might take a couple of weeks to get fully comfortable at this gym, but I know it will happen.  This gym is a good thing for me.  These fitness classes will help motivate me and help me push myself.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Tonight this is what is motivating me to get to my spin class at my new gym:

  1. I want to be a regular at this new gym.
  2. I want to feel comfortable at the gym.
  3. I want to lose weight.
  4. I want to feel confident seeing myself run in the window reflection at the gym.
  5. I want to be a regular in all of the spin classes at the gym.
  6. I want to be able to wear shorts and dresses this summer.
  7. I want to feel confident in myself.
  8. I want to be proud of myself and my progress.
  9. I want to be able to buy smaller clothes.
  10. I want to be happy.
Jess

January 28, 2013

So Intimidated

Feels like it has been a while since I blogged!  I had a really good weekend and have been so busy!

This weekend, my friend and I went to downtown Seattle for some shopping and lunch.  I rode the monorail for the first time, did some shopping and we had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. We went to Nordstom Rack and surprisingly, I was able to find a pair of jeans and a cute sweater.  I haven't tried on a pair of jeans since I started losing weight. So I grabbed the size I have been wearing, and just for kicks, I grabbed one size smaller.  I slipped on the smaller size and to my surprise, they fit like a glove!  I haven't been this size in almost two years. Progress folks! Feels really good.

The next day, however, wasn't as great.  I decided to go to my new gym, check it out and workout.  I walked in and was so incredibly overwhelmed.  There were no tours or anything and I felt like a lost puppy looking for an open treadmill.  Once I got on a treadmill, I felt like an idiot trying to figure out how to work it.  Its one of those iFit treadmills.  Its all touch screen, asks if you want to login or post your workout to Facebook.  Um, I just want to run, that's all.  My Facebook friends don't care how far I run. The treadmills face the spin class room, so all I could see while I was running was my reflection in the window.  To be honest, that is the absolute last thing I want to look at while I run.  I couldn't get into a zone because I was so focused on how awful my legs looked while I ran.  How is is that I can feel so great trying on clothes, feeling so proud to instantly feeling like a cow trying to run on a treadmill?! I ran for a half an hour and then tried to figure out where the weights were.  I saw lots of free weights where all of the huge muscle guys were, but no machines or anything.  Unfortunately, I was so intimidated that I left.  I was slightly discouraged, feeling thankful that I hadn't canceled my other gym membership yet.

Although I feel very intimidated by the size and the types of people at my new gym, I refuse to let it hold me back from going to the gym.  I am continually reminding myself that this gym is a good thing. Closer to home, I can workout longer and they have group fitness classes.  So tomorrow, I am going to go back to the gym and take one of the group fitness classes.  I will put my pride aside and ask where the fitness room is.  Its worth it. 

Here are some pictures from the weekend.  Hope you all had a great weekend too!

Jess

January 24, 2013

Getting Fit


I love this quote. Getting fit is about so much more than just looking good.  Don't get fit to impress anyone but yourself. Its about loving yourself, being confident in who you are and being happy no matter what.

Joining A New Gym

I worked out with my trainer the last two days.  We did full body workouts both days, meaning, I am incredibly sore. My chest, my hips, my butt, my shoulders, my back - you name it, its sore.  I am sore because I am working really hard.  Yesterday, I was doing leg extensions and I noticed my upper thighs, which have always been one of my least favorite parts of my body.  But now, my thighs are rock hard, very strong and I am starting to see definition in them.

When I first started this journey, I thought I could reach my goal doing lots of cardio, thinking I could run off all of this fat and somehow in the process gain muscle.  The extent of my weight lifting was lifting 10 lbs weights at home in front of the tv, while eating junk food.  But now, I feel like I have really gained a love for lifting.  I still like my cardio, but it doesn't even come close to my love for lifting.  I have seen the most change in my body since I started lifting heavier weights at lower reps.

After this weekend, I felt a little bummed, kind of in a funk. Usually, when this happens, I like to make changes in my life.  So, in order to boost my confidence a little bit, I decided to get a spray tan.  My tanning salon was having a great promotion so I couldn't pass it up.  I find it so crazy how a little spray tan can really boost my confidence.  I feel like I look better in all of my clothes and my muscles look more defined.  Feels really good.

I made one more change this week.  I have mentioned that I really want to work up enough courage to join a new gym.  It sound so stupid, but I have a lot of anxiety about changing gyms.  The one I go to now is very small, no group fitness classes, only ten dollars a month and also about 25 minutes away from where I live.  I never have to worry about running into people I know because it is far away from where I live.  But the downside is that there isn't a huge variety of equipment, their weekend hours are limited and I really wish they had group fitness classes.  There are a couple of gyms close to my place, but I know that I will run into people I know.  When I am working out, I usually have no makeup on and I am sweating out of control.  The last thing I want to do is run into people I went to high school with.

Although this give me anxiety, I know my workouts could really benefit from joining a bigger gym that is closer to home.  I could have more variety in my workouts and I could workout longer because I wouldn't have to drive so far to get to the gym.  So yesterday, I found a really great deal for a brand new gym opening this weekend that is 5 minutes from my place.  I guarantee I will know someone who works out there, but I have decided that my workouts are worth it.  Plus, I have enough confidence in myself now to face people I know at the gym.  I no longer feel like the fat girl trying to lose weight at the gym.  I am strong, I have muscle and just like everyone else at the gym, I am working to improve my body.

The gym opens this Saturday and I am really looking forward to going and joining a few group fitness classes.  I am sick of letting my insecurities and anxiety hold me back from opportunities that could really benefit me.

I am really looking forward to this change.  Life is good - I am focusing on myself and best of all, I am happy.

Jess

January 22, 2013

Work in Progress & Pictures From the Weekend

This weekend was a huge learning lesson for me.  I have been talking a lot about dating and I think it needs to stop.

That is going to stop right now.

Learning lesson of the weekend: I am still a work in progress.  I think I got ahead of myself for a minute, thinking that dating would be a walk in the park. Although I do think I am ready to date, this weekend was a reminder of how careful I need to be.  Its ok to take things slow, to not text the person all day, to turn off my phone for a while, to not see the person every day.  Its ok.  I tend to jump right in and scare the guy off.  

So for now, I am just going to do me and do my own thing.  I think I lost sight of what my goals were this weekend.  My goals are to learn to be myself, do my own thing, be happy, get in shape and just enjoy life.  I want to join a new gym, take golf lessons, meet new friends, learn how to play tennis, lose more weight, be confident in myself and learn to be happy and enjoy every second of everyday.  Those are the important things that I need to focus on right now rather than watching my phone waiting for a text and revolving my life around my dating life. 

I have made a lot of progress, but I still have a long ways to go.  My focus needs to be on me and my goals right now.  Those are my priorities right now.  Dating has to come second to me and my happiness right now.  Sometimes I question if dating will ever be easy, if missing someone becomes less depressing or if I will ever find a good balance between my happiness and dating.

I don't have time to be over thinking every move a guy makes or to worry about why I haven't heard from them.  Time to readjust my priorities back to ME, MYSELF and I. So I am just going to do my own thing, continue to work hard and eventually the people that belong in my life will come - and stay.

I think it is important to remind myself why I need to focus on myself.  Here are the reasons I want to be happy and in shape:

  1. I want to gain more confidence.
  2. I want strong defined muscles.
  3. I want to be secure with who I am as a person.
  4. I want to be more go with the flow and easy going.
  5. I want to be able to wear shorts in the summer.
  6. I want to be able to run like I used to.
  7. I don't want to be the fat sister anymore.
  8. I want to throw away my 'fat' clothes.
  9. I want to be able to wear the clothes that are in style.
  10. I want to buy a bathing suit this year.
  11. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
  12. I want to feel attractive again.
  13. I want to feel confident wearing my hair up, not worrying about my double chin.
  14. I want to enter races.
  15. I am sick of my weight holding me back.
  16. I want to feel good enough.
  17. I want others to notice my weight loss.
  18. I am sick of being fat.
  19. I want to be in the 160's.
  20. Then I want to be in the 150's.
  21. Then I want to be in the 140's.
  22. I want to focus on building muscle, not losing fat.
  23. I want to be proud of myself.
  24. I enjoy working out.
  25. I want to feel worthy of good things.
  26. I want to wear dresses and high heels.
  27. I want this to be a lifestyle.
  28. I want to love myself.
  29. I want to look amazing in a wedding dress one day.
  30. I want to be content with myself.
  31. I want to learn to enjoy every second of everyday.
  32. I want to look as good as I feel.
  33. I want to reach my goal.
Jess

New Shirt

Iced coffee mixed with my vanilla protein
Sunday's workout
Menchies with my Sister
 Mia's Birthday treat
New sign for my apartment
Before Thursday's Date
New workout top

January 17, 2013

Just Be Youreself

I went to the gym Tuesday night.  Did 45 minutes of hills on the elliptical with high resistance.  20 minutes into my workout, my feet were going numb and I just was ready to be done.  Then I thought about my goals, where I want to be by summer time and I immediately found the energy to complete all 45 minutes strong.  It was an arms day, so I did tricep kick backs, bicep curls, shoulder press, etc.  I felt really strong.  Sounds kind of mean of me, but I get so much satisfaction watching a girl get on a machine I just used and have to take the weight down by 20 plus pounds.  I get even more satisfaction when I hop on a machine that was just used by a guy and I don't have to adjust the weight at all. Just physical proof that I am so much stronger than I once was.

Last night, I met with my trainer. We did a full body workout, low reps and high weight.  Like always, we all chit chatted while we were lifting.  I told the girls that my date asked me out on a second date.  They were all so excited.  Asked what he had planned for the date and they were so excited for me.  At the end of the workout, we all packed up and I walked out to the parking lot with my trainer.  She told me to have fun on the date and she wanted to hear all about it next week.  Instantly I blurted out, I am so nervous that he isn't going to like me.  I told her I feel like I scare guys off because I worry too much about what they think of me.  Just as everyone else has told me, she said, if he doesn't like who you are there is nothing you can do about it because you can't stop being you.  She told me, if you pretend to be someone you're not, he is going to be liking someone that isn't you, and you can't pretend to be someone you're not forever.  So true. Then she asked, were you yourself on the first date?  I replied, yes of course I was.  She looked at me and said, well he must have liked you - for you - since he asked you for another date, right?  Good point.

When I got home, I opened up my daily devotional and opened it to January 16th (Jesus Calling). It read, "Rehearsing your troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them only when they actually occur." How true.  I always think ahead into the future, worry about things that may never happen.  I don't just do this when it comes to dating, but I do this in almost ever aspect of my life. In my head, I feel like if I think about problems that may occur the future, I can prepare myself to deal with them.  But I am not really preparing myself, I am just causing myself to stress and worry about things I have made up in my head.

My date is this evening, therefore I will be skipping the gym tonight.  I am going to remind myself to live in the moment, enjoy right now, don't think ahead and worry about things that haven't and may not ever happen.  I am nervous, like always, but I am very excited to see him again.  Reminding myself of my previous  post:

"I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice.  I am not rich, but I am valuable.  I will never pretend to be someone I am not, because - finally - I am good at just being me.  I am not proud of things I have done in my past, but I am so incredibly proud of the person I am today. I am not perfect - and never will be, but I don't need to be.  Take me as I am, or I will gladly walk away."

I am a good catch for someone - all I have to do is be myself.  I truly love the person I am today and I am confident that someone else will too.  

I am going to enjoy my date tonight - live in the moment and be confident in who I am.

Jess

January 15, 2013

Gym Motivation of the Day

Really looking forward to my workout tonight. Today is cardio and arms. Can't wait!

Today, this is what is motivating me:

1. I want strong defined muscles.
2. I want to be happy.
3. I want to feel confident.
4. I want to feel attractive again.
5. I want to take more progress pictures.
6. I want to wear stylish clothes.
7. I want to be able to wear summer dresses.
8. I want to rock high heels.
9. I want biceps.
10. I like being able to lift as much as some of the guys at the gym.
11. Working out makes me feel relaxed.
12. I want to sweat.
13. Can't wait to wear my workout outfit - it's cute :)
14. I want to get closer to my goal.

Jess

I am Deserving


I love this quote, had to share.  

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

This explains a lot :)
I have trouble believing that I deserve the best, so I accept less than the best because I don't think I deserve anything better.

This is something I will work on, starting now.  Continuing to remind myself that I deserve good relationships in my life.  

I am deserving.

Jess

I Refuse to Hold Myself Back

I worked out with my trainer last night.  We started off with squats and did over 300 of them.  Then she set up a circuit where we would spend three minutes at each station.  Each station focused on core, chest or shoulders.  Then we did a core circuit and did every kind of core workout possible.  I bought a new workout outfit this weekend and all of the girls loved the outfit.  Pretty crazy how a new outfit can boost my motivation to workout! All in all, it was a good strong workout.

During our training sessions, all of us girls like to chit chat.  They are all older than me.  They all have been married, some divorced, they all have children and best of all, they have great advice.  I have talked to them about my struggles when it comes to my weight, my dating life and my friendships.  They are so supportive of me and I really feel like they are rooting for me.  So each time I go on a date, lose weight, or make a break through, I love sharing it with them.

So of course, I told them about my date. They saw the excitement in my eyes and I could see they were genuinely so happy and excited for me.  They grilled me just like my Mom would.  What's his name? Does he have a job? Did he go to school? How old is he? Was he a gentleman? Do you have a second date yet? All the questions showed how much they care and how supportive they are. I also shared with them that I am so afraid this is too good to be true. No guy is THIS nice to me, ever.  Every single one of the ladies raised their voice and told me to quit it. They told me this is how guys are supposed to treat a woman and that I deserve to be treated well, just like everyone else does.  Clearly I have been dating the wrong guys! 

When I signed up for this personal training, I had very low expectations and was so nervous that I would be judged by these women. I was intimidated that I wouldn't be able to keep up with them and that they wouldn't like me.  Here I am, four months later, and I am surrounded by wise, supportive women who want to see me succeed and who are struggling to get fit, just like me.  I would have missed out on so much had I let my fear hold me back.

I am slowly realizing that it is not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. I saw this quote and it is so true.  For far too long, I have focused on what I don't have and what I am not.  I am not pretty enough, I am not deserving, I am not good enough, I am not thin enough, I am not nice enough, I am not funny enough, I am not as fun as them, I am not strong, I am not smart enough.  Never enough.  That is how I have viewed myself.  Constantly cutting myself short.  Why would anyone want to be with someone like that? The best part of the quote is the word 'think'.  Who you think you're not.  What standards am I comparing myself to? 

Focusing on all of these things that I think I am not, holds me back from doing a lot of things in life.  It has held me back from losing weight, joining a gym, meeting new friends, dating, joining a small group at church. I am finally realizing all of the great things I have missed out on by telling myself I am not good enough.  I joined a gym, I joined a bible study, I went to a new Church service, I joined a personal training class, I started dating and I am beginning to make new friends through Church and the gym.  A few things I have wanted to do, and haven't - yet - are, take tennis lessons, join a bigger gym with fitness classes, join a running club, take golf lessons.  These are some things that I will do - not going to hold myself back any longer.

Just like yesterday - I will continue to remind myself that I am DESERVING of good things.  I will not hold myself back anymore.  I deserve to be treated well. I deserve to do the things I want to do.  Most of all, I deserve to be happy.

Jess


January 14, 2013

Gym Motivation of the Day

Date & Pictures From the Weekend

I don't want to jinx myself, but in case you were wondering, my date went well.  I have had a permanent smile on my face ever since Saturday night.  

He's nice, he was a gentleman, good conversation all evening, he paid for dinner (lately, guys never pay!) and he sent me the cutest texts after the date.  I went home, turned on some Taylor Swift and danced around my apartment like a teenager. Embarrassing.

He is ridiculously nice.  So much in common.  His texts make me blush like crazy.  So, being typical Jess, I am thinking this is way to good to be true.  Guys aren't nice.  Guys don't pay on dates anymore. Why would a guy even like me? This whole thing is way too good to be true, so I am sure something will go wrong any time now.  

STOP RIGHT THERE.

Then I stopped myself.  These thoughts are SO self sabotaging.  If I constantly am waiting for something bad to happen when things start going my way, I am never going to have good things.  This is the old Jess creeping back in, trying to convince me that I don't deserve good things. I can't push away every good thing that comes into my life. 

So, today I am going to work on reminding myself that I DESERVE GOOD THINGS.  I deserve good things, good relationships and good friendships.  I deserve to be happy, to be content with myself and to have confidence.  I am worthy and deserving just like everyone else.

I deserve someone great, someone who will love me for me, flaws and all.  Each time I have a self sabotaging thought, I am going to remind myself of these things. I have no idea what the future hold for me or when I will meet my Prince Charming, but I am thankful for this weekend.  I was reminded that there are still nice guys out there and that makes me happy.

I genuinely hope I get to see him again and hope he enjoyed the date like I did.  I am happy - and deserving.

Jess

Add caption
12/19/12 vs 1/14/13
Sadie and I
Saturday Morning Coffee
New $20 boots 
Baby Mia 

January 12, 2013

Good Things

I am sitting at Starbucks right now, anxious out of my mind.  I have had this lingering headache and body aches for three days.  Slept in this morning, took some excedrin migraine and was feeling better.  I watched Dateline this morning.  Sometimes I question why I watch it because, frankly, it scares the crap out of me.  Every Saturday I watch Dateline and every time I do, I usually regret it.  Its depressing, its sad, makes me think about how scary this world is.

The show makes me anxious. When I say anxious, I mean my heart feels like it is beating out of my chest, I shake, I feel like I am out of breath.  This anxiety might be due to the fact I haven't worked out in three days because I have been trying to rest so I can feel better.  But either way, this anxiety is making me sick to my stomach.

I have a date in two hours and I really need this anxiety to go away. I should have made time to go to the gym today, but at this point I just don't have time.  So, I thought getting out of the house, having a cup of coffee and blogging would get my mind off of things.  

So, I would like to share a few good things to calm myself down.

This past week, while I was working out with my trainer.  My boss's boss came down to the gym to run after work.  He looked at me and told me I was looking svelte.  I laughed, assumed it was a compliment and said thank you.  Not sure what svelte meant, so I had to google it that evening.  Svelte: slender or graceful in figure or outline; slim. This marks the first time someone has noticed my weight loss. I tend to be hard on myself and focus on how far I have to go, rather than celebrating how far I have come.  His compliment meant a lot to me.

Last night, I went to Fred Meyer to get some medicine.  I decided to look through the shoe section while I was there.  I tend skip through the boot section and head right to the ballet flats.  Ballet flats were expensive, and right before I left, I noticed the boots were all on clearance.  So, I decided to take a look.  I was brave and tried on a pair of knee high, medium heel boots.  I usually avoid any boot with a heel because I think it makes me look like Miss Piggy on stilts.  I tried them on, they slipped over my calves and what do you know, they looked good.  If you have been following my blog, you'll know I have struggled finding boots that fit over my calves. I usually can't even get them to zip up, let alone have room to tuck my jeans in them.  Every pair I tried on (except one) fit great.  I could tuck my jeans in them, wear tall socks and still have room around my calf when they were zipped up.  I was able to choose the style of boot I liked.  I had a selection to choose from.  Months ago, I was lucky if I could find one pair of boots to fit over my calves.  This was one of those moments that made me really happy, happy enough that I had to put it in my happy memory jar.

Today, as I got ready for my date.  I was stressing about what to wear.  Its a nice restaurant, but not sure if I should wear jeans or wear slacks.  I hate wearing my slacks because they are too big for me, plus they make me feel like I am going to work.  I called the restaurant, first to ask if they have gluten free items on their menu and second, to see what the dress code was.  Sounds stupid to call and ask, but if I didn't, I know I would have been stressing out about it.  So, they said it ranges, but I would be totally fine in nice jeans and a nice top.  So, that is exactly what I am wearing.  The jeans I am wearing today, I bought them back in the summer at Nordstrom Rack. I bought them because I loved that the back pockets had a little bling on them. They were tight, gave me quite the muffin top.  I would have bought a bigger size, but unfortunately, they were the biggest size the designer made.  I was determined to buy them and just make them work. There was absolutely no way I was going to go to a different store that sold bigger clothes.  So here I am today, wearing the same jeans I squeezed into months ago.  My jeans are staying up with the help of a belt today.  I can slide them on and off without even unbuttoning them.  

I struggle to give myself credit, credit that I am working hard and making progress.  I still see myself as Fat Jess.  The girl who ate apple fritters and lattes for breakfast, ate McDonald's several times a week, thought Cheetos should be its own food group.  The girl who never worked out and who ate to make herself feel better.  I am not that girl anymore.  Sure, I am not quite the girl I want to be, but I can be happy that I am not that girl I once was.  

I am going on a date tonight.  My first date with this guy.  Nervous, yet excited.  Although I will always probably be slightly nervous that my date won't like me, I am much more confident than I once was.  I can't control what a guy likes or what they are looking for, but I can be confident that I have a lot to offer someone.  I understand looks are important when it comes to dating, but I know that if a guy genuinely likes me for me, they won't focus on my weight or what I am wearing.  They will be able to see past that and see that I am a hard worker, motivated, ambitious, a good friend, a nice person, honest, funny and lovable. 

So, as I write, my anxiety is slightly less than it was before and I think I am dehydrated because I am shaky and slightly dizzy. Nervous for my date, but trying to remind myself that each first date gets me closer to my last.  

Happy Saturday.

Jess

January 10, 2013

Small Progress is Still Progress!


Beginning of December vs. January 9, 2013 - difference of six weeks

January 10, 2013
NYE 2011 vs. NYE 2012

January 9, 2013

Gym Motivation of the Day

Being overweight sucks. No question about it.  I could list a million in one reasons about how awful it feels to be overweight.

When I workout with my trainer, I find myself talking/complaining about how much it hurts. She always stops me and says, 'What kind of hurt?'.  I always respond with, 'A good kind of hurt!'.  She laughs and tells me that we like that kind of pain.

The pain of being overweight and the pain of exercising are totally different types of pain.  Being overweight is not only physically painful, but emotionally and mentally as well.  I understand that there are people who are overweight and have all the happiness and confidence in the world - and that is great.  But for me, I don't feel that way.  Physically, everything is harder when you're overweight - walking up stairs and getting winded, not being able to run, not being able to bend over and tie your shoes, clothes don't fit and its harder to stay on your feet for extended periods of time.  Mentally and emotionally, it is just as painful - feeling unattractive, having low confidence, not feeling worthy of good things, feeling like the fat friend/sister, not being able to shop at regular stores, struggling to find clothes to fit, not wanting to do certain activities because of your size.  These lists could go on and on. Not speaking for everyone, but for me and myself, being overweight is absolutely miserable and I can't find one good thing to say about it.

There are days when I am tired, when I am lazy and the last thing I feel like doing is going to the gym.  But then I remember how much it sucks to be fat and how much I hate it.  Yes, working out is hard and it is a big time commitment, but isn't it worth it?! Working out hurts, you're sweating, out of breath and your muscles burn.  But that is what we call a 'good' hurt. I have learned to love the burn and love the pain of working out.  Its like I can feel my muscles growing and my fat melting off.

The good pain outweighs the bad pain.  I would rather sacrifice my nights and weekends at the gym than spend one more minute being overweight.  I still have moments where I feel fat and overweight, but for the most part, I am beginning to see a new me.  While getting ready for work this morning, I thought to myself, this whole losing weight thing sucks, none of my clothes fit.  I stopped right there.  What a fantastic problem to have :)  I am to the point that I need to go shopping and get new clothes for work because my dress pants literally barely stay up. The shorts I wear to bed that I have been wearing forever no longer stay up.  My shirts still fit the same basically, but my pants are way too big.

Tonight, I am meeting with my trainer and I am beyond excited.  Can't wait to kick some butt! I hope I never feel overweight again because I really love the new me - happy and strong!

Jess

Strong and Powerful

Yesterday was one of those days where I just wanted to go home and relax.  It was such a long day and I couldn't stop yawning. I remembered my post from a few days ago, every excuse is just a choice to fail.  Too many goals that I want to accomplish, so I knew I needed to get my butt to the gym, even if I was tired.  

I planned on biking hills for 45 minutes. My gym only has four upright bikes and when I got to the gym, I was happy to see that one of them was open.  As soon as I changed into my gym clothes, the bike was taken.  I am still not used to the gym being so full.  So, I hopped on the elliptical.  Out of no where, I got this burst of insane energy.  I did 40 minutes on the elliptical with resistance and hills. My speed was higher than usual and I was sweating like crazy.  No idea where this energy came from, but I felt so good.  

Yesterday was a legs day so I did squats, leg extensions  hamstring curls and the leg press. I felt really strong yesterday and I have noticed that my legs have gained so much strength in the last few months.  I love getting on a leg machine after another girl and having to increase the weight by 50 plus pounds.  I just feel really strong and I love it.  My legs have always been something I hated.  They aren't slender, they are bigger and muscular.  But I am starting to love them.  They are big because they are packed with muscle, not because I am fat.  When I am lifting, my upper thighs have definition and they are rock hard.  The legs I have always despised are starting to become one of my favorite things.

I went home and I finished watching the last episode of Biggest Loser.  This show inspires me like crazy and also makes me cry like a baby.  Ever since I have started my journey to becoming happier and fit, I feel like I am really learning who I am.  What is it about exercise that helps us learn who we are? No idea.  But last night, it was so cool to watch the contestants have the same realizations I have had. Pinpointing the reasons of why they are unhappy and what deeper issues lead to their weight gain.  So powerful.  I love watching them transform not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too.

Yesterday turned out to be a great day.  I really surprised myself at the gym.  When I stop making excuses for myself, I realize how strong I am and how much potential I have. I am not going to get any where if I only workout and eat healthy when I am energized and having a good day.  I think I proved it to myself yesterday, my body is much stronger and powerful than I give it credit for.

Jess

January 8, 2013

I am Lovable

Can I just tell you, I absolutely love this quote.  I saw this on Instagram last night and I just really had to share.  

Last weekend, I had dinner with my Mom, sister and our family friends.  Not sure how we got on the topic, but we started talking about my last relationship that I ended last May.  After the relationship ended in May and my family found out all the details of what happened, they often asked me, "What in the world were you thinking?!".

I asked myself this question for a long time and sometimes I still do.  What was I thinking? Countless red flags from day one and neither of us were ever very happy with each other.  So why? Why stay in a relationship for so long if both people were miserably unhappy?  

I think there were several reasons why I stayed so long.  I think I got comfortable in the relationship.  Breaking up is never fun so I figured it was just easier to stay in the relationship.  Plus, being in a relationship is what (I thought) I was 'supposed' to do.  I got so sick of people asking when I was going to get a boyfriend, so I got one.  Yes, a very dumb reason to get a boyfriend.  But more than anything, I hated myself so much that I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to be with me.  He said he loved me, I never believed him, but he said it.  How could anyone love me when I hated myself so much? I remember, I would often make him mad because I asked him all the time if he loved me. I saw myself as unlovable. 

I know I talk about this relationship a lot, and I apologize if it is annoying.  But this relationship was such a turning point in my life.  Had I not left that relationship, I honestly don't think I would have ever found happiness. Drastic, but it is the truth. Its been almost eight months since that relationship ended and I am finally starting to date again. Ending the relationship and giving myself the time to find myself and heal was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

I have started dating again - finally!  I wrote in a post last week about having a date this past Saturday.  He wanted to hang out around noon.  Before the date on Saturday, I got a long text message.  He was cancelling the date because he was feeling guilty about dating more than one person.  Yes, more than one person.  Usually, this would make me so incredibly angry.  I hate when guys tell me they don't want to see me anymore.  But, this time around, the only thing I was mad about what the fact I cut my workout short to see him.  :)

know I am loveable because I love myself.  I know I am worthy of a good guy, who is not dating multiple girls.  I am content in who I am as a person.  If a guy bails on me or wants to date someone else, its not the end of the world.  After he texted and bailed, I went to the gym and burned a whopping 640 calories on the elliptical and did a really strong leg workout. Go me! (This went in my happy memory jar!) Had this happened six months ago, I probably would have cried and would have been mad at myself. 

I know I am not to my goal yet and certainly don't look like a fitness model.  But, this is progress - huge progress for me.  Being happy all on my own, not needing someone else to make me happy or tell me they love me.  I really love who I am becoming and I think this quote says a lot about where I am with myself right now.  

I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice.  I am not rich, but I am valuable.  I will never pretend to be someone I am not, because - finally - I am good at just being me.  I am not proud of things I have done in my past, but I am so incredibly proud of the person I am today. I am not perfect - and never will be, but I don't need to be.  Take me as I am, or I will gladly walk away.

I am confident in the person I am.  I am confident that I am loveable, valuable and deserving.  My happiness does not rely on anyone but myself.  Best of all, I am really happy.

Jess

January 7, 2013

Gym Motivation of the Day



I love this quote so much! How true, right?! Every time we make an excuse for ourselves, we are making a choice to fail. Honestly, I had never really thought of it that way. Sometimes I can convince myself that my excuses are legit.  But every evening when I make an excuse of why I can't workout or why I should cut my cardio session short, I am only hurting myself.  Each excuse I make does not make me a failure, but, those excuses build on each other.  The more excuses I make, the further I am from my goal and eventually, those excuses will cause me to quit, therefore, fail.  

Skipping a workout every now and then is totally fine, having a rest day is ok, eating dessert on occasion is allowed.  But its when these excuses become our new normal is when we start to fail.  I am really good at making excuses for myself and sometimes I do have real legit reasons why I need to skip a workout.  But most of the time, its just the old Jess creeping back in trying to make excuses for the new Jess.  I think the key is weighing the pros and cons of eating that dessert or skipping a workout.  Most of the time, my long term goals completely outweigh any craving or urge to lay around at home which gives me less of an incentive to make excuses for myself.

Tonight, no excuse, I am working out with my trainer.  I am teetering between two weights and have been for a month now.  I want to break this plateau and start losing weight again.  I am going to push hard tonight and eat a good balanced dinner tonight.  Tonight, the Bachelor is on so I am going to allow myself to have a glass of wine tonight as a treat.  I feel really motivated and I hope this motivation can last throughout the day.  I am really hoping to go to bed earlier tonight, and every night, in hopes of possibly doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred before work in the mornings.  Right now, I am way too tired to get up early and workout, but it is on my list of goals to accomplish.  If I can get to bed an hour earlier, I can have an extra hour in the morning to do a workout DVD to hopefully increase my results.

I am not going to make excuses today.  I will push strong and work hard so I can get myself closer to my goal!

Jess






Pictures From the Weekend

On my way to church
Comfy Saturday
Grocery store find - PB with 5 grams of protein and low cal/fat!
Well earned protein after a 60 min elliptical/leg workout
Sadie Girl
Girl's best friend
Follow me on Instagram @ JRTRUNR

Jess