December 11, 2012

A Smile is the Prettiest Thing You Can Wear

I had a great workout with my trainer last night.  We did a lot of squats, side lunges, bicep curls, tricep kick backs, shoulder press and core work.  I am feeling stronger and I am able to lift heavier weights than I could before.

Last week one of the girls said, 'Looks like we have a new star student in the class'.  I wasn't sure if she was joking or what not.  But, I almost felt like I needed to hold back and just lift low weights like everyone else.  Most of the women bicep curl with 3-5 lb weights, yet I do 15 lbs.  I am not doing 15 lbs to show off, I am doing them because I can and I want to push myself.  Although, for a split second I wanted to hold myself back and fit in with the rest, I quickly changed my mind.

I have a goal.  Be happy and get in shape.  Lifting 3 lb weights is not going to get me to my goal very quickly.  I remembered that I can't let someone's opinion hold me back from getting where I want to be.  I am working hard and "showing off" for myself, to get to my goal.

I was looking through old pictures and I found a couple that made my jaw drop, not in a good way.   Last December, I was at my highest weight. I remember how awful I felt about myself.  I used to just hang out with my boyfriend at the time, hide away in my apartment because I was so embarrassed of how I looked.  I also was friends with a coworker who was rapidly gaining weight too, so we would go out to lunch everyday and eat doughnuts for breakfast. My eating habits were awful and I just felt helpless.  Last year, the thought of getting together for Christmas and taking family pictures would send me into complete panic.  I hated it.  Although I couldn't avoid the pictures, I refused to look at them.  One day, I remember checking Facebook and my Mom had posted the pictures and tagged me in every single one of them.  I was in a complete panic.  I remember calling my Mom, screaming at her to take the pictures down, asking why the hell she would do that to me.  She untagged me, but left the photos up.  I was mortified.

December 2011
December 2011
New Year's Eve 2011
Looking back on those pictures now, I can understand why I was mortified.  I was big.  I don't think I realized how big I was until right this minute.  I look awful.  I question if I really look that much different than I did last year at this time.  I know I weigh a lot less than I did, but some days, I still feel like I look just the same as I did last December.

These pictures remind me why I am working so hard.  I never, ever, ever, ever want to look that way again.  No wonder my confidence was so low.  I feel better than ever, even if I don't look that much different than I did.  I am working out daily and eating better.  I feel good about myself and what I see in the mirror.  I find myself talking to more people lately, I think I am finally beginning to look more approachable.  People talk to me in the grocery store now, I am making friends with my neighbors, I make eye contact with people and smile.  I don't feel the need to hide in my apartment and eat anymore.
12/10/12

12/11/12
I took these pictures last night and this morning.  I have no idea what my weight is or how much I have lost, but I do know that as of September, I was 20 lbs lighter than last year.  I know I weigh less than I did in September, just not sure how much.  I feel so much better about myself and find myself smiling more than I ever have.

I feel good.  I feel happier than I have in a long time.  I have made a lot of progress and I still have a long ways to go.

Jess

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