November 19, 2012

Wins and Set Backs

What a weekend!  Spent my Friday evening at the gym.  Did an hour on the bike and did a lower body workout.  I ended my evening at home relaxing on the couch with my dogs.

On Saturday, woke up and cooked breakfast and then headed to the gym.  I decided to try running since I had the 5K on Sunday.  I originally planned to walk the 5K with my Mom and her friend, but I just wanted to see if I could possibly run it.  Considering I haven't ran in three weeks due to my knee, I was surprisingly able to run 4.28 miles pain free.  I felt really good about that.  Saturday night, I met up with my Mom and some family friends.  We grabbed dinner and drinks and listened to live music at the restaurant.

Sunday was the 5K.  I woke up, made breakfast, did some stretching and got ready for the run.  I found out my Mom's friend's daughter and her boyfriend were running the 5K.  Instantly, I wanted to call and tell them I couldn't go.  I felt so anxious, couldn't even sit down and relax.  Sounds stupid, but knowing that she is a good runner, I felt so embarrassed to run the 5K.  Eventually, my ride came and we were off to the 5K.  My sister decided that she would run it with me.

Once the race started, my sister and I took off.  About .25 miles into the race, my sister decided to walk.  Usually, I would have taken that as an excuse to walk too.  I decided to continue on.  I really wanted to run the 5K and try my best, not allow anyone to hold me back or make me feel embarrassed. I ran a majority of the race and felt so strong, both mentally and physically.

I know a 5K is nothing to most runners, but for me, this was a big win.  Two months ago, I was too embarrassed to even go to a gym let alone enter a 5K and run it.  I surprised myself when I finished in under 33 minutes, especially considering that I walked a little bit.  I was able to pass other runners and passed several runners who had to stop and walk the rest of the race.  I finished the race and felt really proud of myself.  I conquered my fear of getting back into running and racing.  I felt really proud of myself.

When I am alone, at home or at the gym, I feel really good about myself.  I am able to focus on my progress and how hard I have been working.  But this weekend made me realize something.  I feel good alone, but around others, I feel just as insecure as I did before.

For example, when my Mom and our family friends went out on Saturday, we ran into some friends of ours.  They decided to join us.  Two of them are my age and in great shape.  Instantly, I felt like I needed to change my dinner order and didn't feel comfortable eating in front of them in fear that they would judge me.  Ridiculous, I know.

Later that night, my Mom mentioned that my brother and my sisters significant others are coming for thanksgiving.  Every single person at Thanksgiving has a wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend except my mom and I.  They are all going to want to take pictures and I am going to look like the fat sister.

When I am alone, I feel comfortable with myself and the fact I am as single.  I honestly am.  But for some reason, around family and friends, all of this confidence gets thrown out the window and I feel so insecure.  I end up comparing myself to them.  I honestly feel like at fat cow in public, I feel so much heavier in public around people than when I am at home.  I feel like I get so uncomfortable that my mind skews the way I see myself.  Maybe I am heavy and fat, but when I am at home alone, I feel proud and comfortable with the way I look, even if I am heavy.  My brother and sister are both younger than me and both are in relationships.  Makes me feel like a big fat loser.  But then again, I honestly don't have any interest in dating someone until I am fully happy with myself.  So why am I jealous of them if it is something I don't even want right now?!

My run on Saturday and the 5K on Sunday were huge wins for me this weekend.  My insecurities around my friends and family about being 24 and single and overweight are set backs.  I gained this weight over two years, I can't expect that it is going to fall off in two months.  I can't allow these set backs to get me off track, I will simply use them as motivation to work harder and eat better.  I think I thought I would see major progress by now and I haven't.  So maybe this is a clue that I need a more strict diet (ugh I hate that word).

Everything I have issues with comes back to being happy and loving myself.  Fat, skinny, no matter what, having confidence in myself and knowing that my weight does not define me as a person.  I judge myself more than anyone else.  Having confidence in myself, a much bigger issue than I thought.

Time to work on it.

Jess

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