November 2, 2012

Forget What Hurt You

My friend posted this quote on Facebook last night.

"Forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you."

I feel like I have been hurt a lot in my life.  Not sure if it is because I am overly sensitive or just that bad things have happened to me, but either way, I have felt hurt more times than I would like to admit to. I think when someone feels hurt and feels hurt a lot,  I think they just start to shut down.  I am starting to think that feeling hurt and holding on to all of these hurt feelings is what has led me to where I am today.

I strongly believe everything happens for a reason.  I think every person we meet in life changes us in one way or another.  I can think of old friendships and old relationships and no matter how bad they ended, I can think of something that they taught me, good and bad.  One person taught me how a guy should treat a girl, showed me that there are guys out there that will be loyal and treat you with respect.  Another taught me the importance of cleaning my apartment and making my bed.  Some showed me what qualities I don't want in a future relationship.  But either way, they all taught me something.  And even though I thought my life couldn't go on after each relationship, I came out on the other side a stronger person with more of an idea of what I want in my future relationships.

I am starting to realize that getting hurt happens for a reason.  It teaches you about yourself and about what is important to you.  Holding on to all of this hurt in my life isn't helping me.  Last night, my hair dresser asked about my Dad and if I am planning on seeing him for Christmas, when I last talked to him and if I have seen him lately.  I was on the verge of tears when I told her I haven't spoke to him in months, haven't seen him in a year and a half and that I am no longer invited over for Christmas anymore. Its not just old boyfriends or friends that have hurt me, its my own family sometimes. I hold onto this hurt for dear life sometimes, just can't let it go no matter how hard I try.  I can think of learning lessons for each dating relationship that has ended, for each friendship that faded away, but I can't seem to think of one with my Dad.

I find it is easier to let go of the hurt when I can pin point what it taught me.  Knowing something good came out of the hurt, makes it hurt a little less.  What did I learn from my Dad?  I just don't know.  I would like to think that my Dad has shown me what kind of Husband I don't want.  Ugh, that just sounds awful to even write.  Everything that I could say I have learned from him makes me feel like a horrible daughter.  I just feel overwhelmed with hurt.  Sometimes, I even dread the day I get married because I already know, I don't want him to walk me down the isle.  It makes me feel guilty, and I guarantee my guilt will convince me to ask him to walk me down the isle, even though that is the last thing I want.  I think I am torn between standing up for myself and being a good daughter.  I can't do both.  I have to pick. Awful.

My Mom always tells me that the hurt I feel from my Dad has affected me more than I will ever know.  I am beginning to believe her.  Shutting him out of my life and attempting to move on clearly is hurting me.  My Dad used to be the first person I would call when I would ace a test, when I got a job, when I bought my car, when I got into college.  I just wanted him to be proud of me so badly.  And still to this day, when I get a pat on the back at work, when I get a promotion, I still feel the urge to call my Dad to make him proud.  Whenever I see a cool car or motorcycle or a something funny, my first instinct is to text it to my Dad. Breaks my heart even writing that.  That right there shows me how much hurt I am carrying around with me on a daily basis.

What has this taught me? Heck if I know.  I just want to forget this hurt so badly.  I just feel like if I allow myself to forget this hurt, it means I have to forget my Dad too.

Not sure what to do right now, but I know this hurt is holding me back from being completely happy with myself.

Happy Friday.

Jess

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