November 29, 2012

Blog Title Change

Looking update and make a few changes to my blog. Like any of these?

  • - too long?
New ideas? Help :)


Gym Motivation of the Day

Although I know I need to rest my body eventually, today is not the day.  I would rather leave my rest day for the weekend or a day I that I am busy.

I am going to the gym tonight.  I am going to do 30 minutes of tough cardio.  I will probably bike and increase the resistance while doing hills.  Today is a legs day.  My plan is to work inner and outer thighs, quads, hamstrings and calves.  I refuse to bail out of my workout early like I did on Tuesday.

I have started going to the gym directly after work.  I used to drive 30 minutes home from work, take the dogs out, change into gym clothes, grab a snack and then drive another 30 minutes to the gym.  On Tuesday, I drove straight to the gym from work and it only took me 20 minutes.  Saves me 40 minutes of driving and the additional 30 minutes I used to go home for.  This allows me to get home at a reasonable hour and leaves me enough time to actually cook dinner.  I love that I am no longer making excuses for myself of why I can't work out or why I can't eat healthy.  I am running into obstacles and finding solutions.  Going to the gym straight from work saves me time so I can workout longer if I would like and I can have time to relax with my dogs and cook dinner.

I am making good decisions and I am proud of myself.  On Tuesday, I caught a glimpse of the old me and I am so thankful that I am forming better habits.

Tonight, this is what is motivating me to get to the gym:

1. This is a lifestyle, something I need to continually do.
2. The more I workout, the more I want to make healthier eating decisions.
3. My ring finally fits again, I can't wait to fit into my other clothes that don't currently fit.
4. I am doing so good, can't stop now!
5. I can't wait until I can get rid of my Spanx and feel comfortable without them.
6. I want to be able to buy a whole new wardrobe - in a smaller size.
7. I want it to be easier to find dress clothes that actually fit me.
8. I want to see dramatic results.
9. I am ready for others to notice my weight loss.
10. I never want to be overweight again.
11. I enjoy liking what I see in the mirror each morning.
12. I love feeling strong at the gym.
13. I just feel so much better about myself.
14. I want to continue to better myself and be confident in who I am.
15. Today's workout will put me one step closer to my goal.


Insanity: Doing the Same Thing, Expecting Different Results

I had a great workout with my trainer yesterday. We did a full body workout and it was exhausting! We started out with lunges down the hallway.  My pants would literally not stay up.  They fit fine in the legs, but the waist band is way too big now.

My trainer looked at me and said sarcastically, thought you weren't losing any weight?! Clearly, I am.  I told her that I don't look in the mirror and see a dramatic difference in my body, therefore, I feel like I haven't lost weight. But she reminded me, if you clothes are fitting that much looser, you are losing weight.  Good point.

After we finished the workout, we talked about why I am not seeing more dramatic results.  She asked, "Are you resting?". Heck no! She told me that is my problem.  Who knew not taking a day off could damper my results.  She asked me if I knew anything about anorexia.  Eh, a little.  People who starve themselves, their bodies hold on to their fat because they don't know when they'll be fed again.  Same goes for people who over do it.  Sometimes the body goes into shock and starts holding onto the weight.  She told me it is so important to give your body a day to catch its breath and take it easy.  Guess that makes sense, but the thought of resting really makes me feel lazy.  Heck, I have been resting for the last two years, isn't that enough?! If only!

My trainer told me that if I am going to workout 6-7 days a week, that I need to switch things up cardio wise.  Currently, I am trying to do an hour of cardio about five days a week and lifting everyday.  She told me to continue doing my cardio, but change up the time and the intensity every day.  Three days a week, do only 30 minutes of cardio, but do hills, more resistance and really work to your fullest ability.  On the other days, do an hour of light cardio.  So light that you can read a book while doing the cardio.  Walk on a treadmill, lightly ride the bike, but do so at a lower speed and lower resistance.

Then I asked her why I have friends who can lose 20 lbs in a matter of two months and look dramatically different, yet I feel like I haven't lost anything.  Her first question was, "Well are they working out and lifting like you?".  I told her they mainly just diet and do cardio.  She said: the difference between you and them is that when they lose a pound, half of it might be muscle since they aren't lifting and barely exercising.  You on the other hand, when you lose a pound it will be pure fat because you are not losing muscle, you are building it.  Muscle weighs more than fat, so if you are losing muscle and fat, your weight loss is going to be more than someone just losing fat.

Pretty interesting. I don't know if I can express how thankful I am that I have her as a trainer. She keeps me focused on my goal and helps me realize this journey is not all about the number on the scale. Building muscle while losing fat is going to take longer to lose weight than just dieting and cardio, which is ok with me because I don't want to lose muscle and be 'skinny fat'. I am definitely going to try to make it a point to have one dedicated rest day per week and to switch up my cardio workouts.

I made a cool realization today.  My ring, which has not fit on my finger for more than two years, finally fits!  Couldn't even get it past my knuckle just a few weeks ago. It might be small progress, but everything counts!

I have been working hard and am realizing I need to switch things up and give myself a break every now and then.  It is possible to work hard, lose weight, gain muscle and take a day off once a week.  I can't do the same thing week after week and expect different results, important to switch things up.


November 28, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

I blog in order to motivate myself, to be accountable and also to face my fears.  Two months ago, my main fear was getting back in the gym and feeling embarrassed.  My fears are a lot different now.

I will be the first to admit that all of this talk about the end of the world really freaking scares me.  There is so much I want to do and the thought of not getting the opportunity to do so completely scares me.  As I see more and more results, I get scared that I might not get to see myself in the body I have always dreamed of. That is freaking scary.

I want this so bad for myself.  I am fearful of never reaching my goal. Yesterday was a huge reminder of what my old self was like and it really woke me up.  The thought of going back to how I used to be, giving up and just accepting my life the way it used to be is really scary.

This fear is my motivation to never give up.  Going back to the way things were is just not an option, too scary.  All this talk of the end of the world has really made me realize that I need to work hard to get where I want to go.  I get a lot of comments about resting and being too hard on myself.  But honestly, sometimes I feel like I don't have time to rest. Each day I don't do something productive puts me another day further from my goal.  I want this too bad to rest, even though I know I should sometimes.

I am working out with my trainer tonight and I can't freaking wait. I look forward to my workouts now, they get me closer to where I want to be.  This fear gets my adrenalin going.  I fear being mediocre, unproductive and settling for less than I deserve. I will not give up.

Tonight, this is what is motivating me to get to the gym:

1. The thought of living how I used to live - completely miserable.
2. Working out makes me feel good about myself.
3. Today will put me one step closer to my goal.
4. To all of those who post rude comments on here, I can't wait to prove you wrong.
5. I want to make myself proud.
6. I want this to be a lifestyle.
7. Yesterday's workout wasn't great, looking forward to making today's workout better.
8. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
9. I want to run more and lift heavier weights.

Last, but not least,

10. I am scared at the thought of not reaching my goal - refuse to give up.


One Bad Day Won't Stop Me

Confession: I ate like crap yesterday and bailed out of the gym early.

Yesterday started out great.  I started my morning out with my usual coffee and light vanilla soy milk.  For breakfast, I had a vanilla Chobani yogurt.  This is where the day starts to go downhill.  Although I brought some healthy chicken for lunch, when a coworker approached me to go grab Thai food for lunch, I caved in and said yes.

Here was my thought process:

1. This whole journey is a lifestyle and I can't live my entire life not going out to eat.
2. Oh. My. Gosh.  I loooooove me some Thai food!
3. Thai is better than grabbing a burger and fries.
4. I will order something healthy and I will take part of the meal to go.

There.  In my mind, I just justified going out to eat rather than eating my healthy lunch from home.   Although my intentions were good, they didn't work out as I had hoped.  I planned on ordering something with chicken, no noodles and skipping on the rice.  Here is what I actually did: Um, I will have the lunch combo with Pad Thai (Fail #1) and Swimming Rama with brown rice (Fail #2). Ordered noodles and rice, even though I told myself I wouldn't.  Then I ate half the meal, boxed the rest up.  By the time I was ready to leave work and head to the gym, I made Fail #3.  I ate my leftovers.  Every last bit of them because I was starving.  Scratch that, I was not starving, they just looked good.  So, I not only ordered noodles and rice, I had also ate the entire meal like I told myself I wouldn't.

I went to the gym and felt sluggish. Greasy Thai food clearly isn't the best fuel before a workout.  I ran 1.5 miles before I decided to hop on the bike.  I barely lasted 30 minutes on the bike.  I then decided to go lift, it was an arms day.  I had it planned to do at least six different lifts before I decided to throw in the towel.  Well, the gym was packed, machines and weights were full so I copped out after four lifts.  As I walked out the gym, I remembered one of my previous blog posts.  Cheating on my reps only hurts myself.  Ugh. Fail #4.

I went home and planned on making myself a caesar salad and eating leftover chicken.  I made a caesar salad alright, but it looked more like some parmesan cheese and dressing with a little lettuce on the side. Fail #5.  If I was smart, I would have added in more lettuce and thrown on some grilled chicken, but I didn't.  Instead, I decided to make popcorn and cover it in salt. Fail #5.  By this time, I hadn't eaten any protein for dinner so obviously I was still starving and munchy.  This is where my night really took a turn for the worse.  I went to the refrigerator and reached past the chicken, the carrots, the strawberries and hard boiled eggs to grab the cheese.  Fail #6, I made nachos at 9 o'clock at night.  Who does that?! Oh yeah, this girl apparently.

Not proud of all of those poor decisions yesterday.  It was like I reverted back to the girl I used to be.  If I continue to eat the way I used to eat, then I need to be prepared to weigh what I used to weigh too.  I don't want to live like that anymore, it doesn't feel good.  I end up going to bed feeling so mad at myself and waking up in the morning feeling extra sluggish.

Thankfully, today is a new day to make new decisions.  I get to decide who I want to be.  Yesterday, I made poor decisions, but that doesn't mean I have to make those decisions today too.  I am better than that and I deserve to treat myself better.  Honestly, it was kind of scary to see the old me creeping back in.  I don't want to be like that anymore.  This whole journey to becoming a better person and more in shape is supposed to be a lifestyle.  A lifestyle that I can go out to eat, grab drinks, take a day off from the gym every now and then but still stick to my plan and be in control.  It is possible to go out to eat and make healthy decisions and leave the leftovers at the restaurant.  Not sure I am ready for that yet because I am just starting out this new lifestyle.  I am going to eat my chicken leftovers for lunch today and give myself enough time to prepare a healthy protein enriched dinner for this evening.

Today is a new day and I am going to choose to eat healthy and to work hard at the gym.  Cheating on my eating plan and workouts only hurts myself.  I want this for myself so bad, one bad day is not going to stop me.  Here is to a better day :)


November 27, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

"You don't stand in front of the mirror before a run and wonder what the road will think of your outfit. You don't have to listen to its jokes and pretend they're funny in order to run on it. It will not be easier to run if you dress sexier. The road doesn't notice when you're not wearing make up. It doesn't care how old you are. And you don't feel uncomfortable if you make more money than it. The only thing the road cares about is that you pay it a visit once in a while" - NIKE

Running is a pain in the butt, literally.  My muscles burn, I sweat like crazy and it is completely exhausting.  Sometimes during the middle of a run, I start to question why the heck I do this to myself. But the cool thing is, no matter how good or bad the run was, I always feel like a million bucks when I am finished.

I have noticed lately, I absolutely hate picking out outfits for work.  Everything I put on fits me weird  and does not flatter me.  Don't feel like I have ever had this issue before. Then it hit me, it is because I am losing weight and my clothes don't fit as snug as they used to. Running is paying off! This morning, I put on my work slacks and a purple silk top.  As I was doing the dishes, I kept tripping over the bottom of my slacks.  It was as if I shrunk a few inches over night and my pants were too long for me.  Driving me nuts!  Then it dawned on me, I am tripping over my pants because they are slipping off of my hips and too big for me now.  I ran to the mirror and took a look at myself (and snapped this picture haha).

When I first bought these slacks for work (this is embarrassing), I had to safety pin them shut.  When I say safety pin them shut, I mean they were like several inches too small around the waist, no where near fitting me. I used to have to wear really long shirts to cover my underwear from showing through all the safety pins.  Goodness, that is embarrassing.  Now, I can fit an entire arm down the side of my pants with them fully buttoned shut.  My purple top has extra room and I actually had to tie the bow in the back a little tighter.  My hard work is paying off and I am starting to like what I see in the mirror. I feel like a complete dork, but I catch myself looking in the mirror a lot more than I ever used to.

Running hurts and at times I question why I run, why I sacrifice my evenings for the gym and why I eat healthy.  I often wonder why I can't just be ok with having a little extra fluff and just be content with myself.  But I am starting to realize that it is because I know in my heart that I am better than this.  Why be content with anything less than the best?  Why not strive to be the absolute best version of yourself? Why not do what makes you happy?  Working on myself makes me happy. I enjoy going to the gym because I know it is good for me and is going to get me closer to my goal.

I get it, I have a lot of work ahead of me.  This journey is on going, there is no expiration date or end date.  This is a lifestyle, something that I will always have to work on.  But along this journey, I love that I can notice little things and be proud of my hard work.  I have spent almost every single evening for the last two months in the gym.  My results aren't coming as quickly or dramatically as I would like, but they are coming slowly but surely.

This evening, this girl is hitting the gym.  I plan on running/biking and lifting and I am really pumped about it.

Tonight, this is what is motivating to get my buns to the gym:

1. I want to see more dramatic results.
2. I can't wait to go shopping and buy smaller clothes.
3. I look forward to the day when I can focus on building muscle, not losing fat.
4. I love that I am a regular at the gym now.
5. I feel really proud of myself.
6. My body feels tighter and not so heavy.
7. I enjoy the burn of a good workout.
8. I want to have more confidence in myself.
9. I want to be the best version of myself.
10. I want to look as good as I feel.
11. I want to actually buy - and wear - a bikini next summer.
12. I want to be a better runner than I used to be.
13. I want to be able to wear whatever I want and feel good about myself.
14. I have a goal - and I refuse to quit.


November 26, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

It hit me today, I started this journey exactly two months ago. I didn't start working out daily until about a month and a half ago.  It feels like I have been at this for months already.  Crazy to think it has only been two months.

It was the day I went to the luncheon back in September.  I can still remember the feeling when the woman asked us all to write down our accomplishments and then our disappointments.  I'll never forget the moment when I couldn't think of any accomplishments, yet my list of disappointments could have gone on forever.  I felt like crying.

As awful as that moment felt, I am so very grateful for it.  That was the moment I made the decision to try.  I didn't have a plan or any idea of what I was going to do, all I knew was that I was done being so miserable and unhappy with myself.  That was my 'rock bottom'.

Two months ago, I had no idea I would have a personal trainer or that I would be working out every single day, giving it everything I have.  I had no clue I would be giving up my daily potato chips and wine for greek yogurt and grilled chicken.  But, oh my, I am so thankful I did.  It feels like more than two months have gone by because I feel like a completely different person.  I still have my miserable days, but I don't feel like a miserable person anymore.

Two months ago, I didn't feel worthy of anything good because I did nothing to deserve anything good.  I felt like I had no accomplishments and was full of disappointments.  But now, I feel like I have a lot of accomplishments and the list is growing day by day.  I do not dwell upon my disappointments anymore, I now use them as learning lessons and things I need to work on. I am realizing I am worth it and I am deserving of good things.

I am feeling very thankful right now for my decision to give this whole journey a try.  Had I not, I would still be feeling fat and miserable.  I truly feel like I am becoming the person I was always meant to be.  Sounds so corny, but its true.  I feel more myself than I ever have.  Can't wait to continue on this journey and continue bettering myself.

Today, I am meeting with my trainer and I absolutely can't wait.  Feeling strong, motivated and so ready to kick some major butt today.

Today, this is what is motivating me to get my (firm!) buns to the gym:

1. I love hearing that this blog helps motivate others to get to the gym.
2. I love feeling confident, I want to feel confident all the time.
3. I feel like a beast in the gym lately, stronger than ever and it feels awesome.
4. I love being able to lift more weight every week.
5. I like to sweat. A lot.
6. I want to be able to take an "After" photo and see results.
7. I want to fit into my skinny jeans!
8. I want to notice more results.
9. The more I work out, the closer I am to my goal.
10. Working out motivates me to eat better.
11. I am starting to feel attractive again - and I like it.
12. I never want to feel fat again.
13. I want to be able to go shopping and buy smaller clothes.
14. I want my family to notice my progress at Christmas.
15. I feel so much better about myself when I work out.
16. I like being a regular at the gym.
17. I like that I can tell people I go to the gym every single day - and it's not a lie.
18. I refuse to quit - not an option.
19. I want to make myself proud.
20. I am happy I made this decision to try - and the decision not to give up.


Confidence, Creatine and Change

This weekend was good. Very good.

I baked my Thankful Rolls and filled all 56 rolls with things my family and I were thankful for.  On Thanksgiving, my original plan was to hit the gym before it closed at noon and then bake my rolls.  I was really stressed about time and making it over to my Mom's house on time, so I decided to bake the rolls and workout at home.  I think I surprised myself with how hard I was able to workout at home.  I did squats, deadlifts, worked my biceps, triceps, shoulders and core.  After all of my rolls were finished baking and I was done with my workout, I got myself all ready for my Mom's.

Last time I was with my family, I felt fat and so incredibly self conscious. My goal was to feel comfortable and confident.  I spent extra time on my hair and makeup, chose an outfit that I liked and felt good in.  I am happy to report that I felt really good about myself while with my family.  I didn't feel self conscious or insecure.  I just felt like myself and felt pretty confident.

I worked out every day this weekend.  The protein I have been using has suddenly been giving me major stomach cramps.  I bought some new whey protein and I am hoping the stomach cramps go away soon! I have also added in creatine based on a recommendation by a friend.  After doing my research, I decided to give it a try.  My goal is to lose fat but also gain muscle.  I don't want to look like a skinny twelve year old boy when I am done losing weight.  I want to be lean and muscular.  I have other friends who thought I was crazy to add creatine when I am trying to lose weight, telling me I will bulk up like a body builder.  The research I did said that creatine is ok to take when trying to lose weight and build muscle and that it works differently in men and women. It will help me build muscle, which in turn, helps burn more fat cells.  Also, it will help give me more energy and endurance during my workouts to help burn more calories.  If I end up not liking the results, I can always stop taking it.  But for now, I am liking my insane workouts.  I was able to bike at a much higher resistance for a longer amount of time and I was able to lift more weight.  So far, I am liking it, but we will see.

I am also proud to say I ate fairly good all weekend. My trainer always tells me to never deprive myself of the things I want, just tell yourself that you can have them on the weekends only.  I had a glass of wine this weekend and I had potatoes and chocolate.  The cool thing was, instead of gorging myself on potato chips and fries, I grilled potatoes and dipped them in tofu sour cream.  I only had a couple Hershey kisses, not the entire bag.  Since I have increased the amount of protein in my diet and I have been watching my carbs, I really don't have the urge to eat like I used to.  I am beginning to look at food as fuel, not as something to do when I am bored.  I am proud that I am making healthier choices.  I am working out way to hard to poison my body with Cheetos and potato chips.

This weekend made me realize that this whole journey is a process.  Change takes time and isn't going to happen over night.  I am learning to give myself a pat on the back no matter how big or little the accomplishment is.  I am working really hard and deserve recognition from myself.  Feeling confident at Thanksgiving, limiting my carbs, working out even on a holiday - those are things that I can be proud of.  These things motivate me to keep going and to not give up.  I am making such good progress! Just because it's a holiday and a long weekend, it is no excuse to take a break.  I want more accomplishments like this and the harder I work, the closer I will be to achieving my goals.

Another thing, I texted my Dad this weekend.  He told me about his surgery, what was wrong with him and I told him to keep me updated and that I hope everything gets better for him.  I really didn't want to text him.  It gets to the point where I haven't talked to him in so long, I almost didn't want to break the streak.  Sounds lame, I know.  But, I sucked up my pride and texted him anyways knowing that I would probably regret it if I didn't. I don't know if he even cared to hear from me, but I feel good knowing I did the right thing.

This weekend was a good one.  Relaxed, went to bed early, spent time with family and at the gym. I was able to spend a lot of time with my cute little dogs.  I may not have seen any new changes in the way my body looks this weekend, but feeling confident, working out, making healthy eating decisions and talking to my Dad make this weekend one to be proud of.

Change is not going to happen over night.  This journey is a process, one that will take lots of patience and dedication.  But I am proud of my progress and I am really liking the person I am becoming.


Monday Inspiration

Saw this video on Facebook this morning.  Pretty amazing transformation by a man who couldn't even walk.  Shows what happens when you don't give up on yourself!


November 25, 2012

Pictures From the Weekend

New protein and creatine

Baby Mia :)

On the way to the gym!

On my way to my Mom's for Thanksgiving

56 Thankful Rolls

Fire :)

New nail polish - Hot Shot

Cauliflower pizza crust

Egg white, spinach, tomato and mozzarella muffins

Hope you all had a great weekend!


November 21, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

I got off work early today, so I am going to the gym early too.

Usually in these posts I ramble on about what is motivating me.

Right now, I have nothing.

Found out my Dad had a surgery today, I don't know the details.  All I know is the surgery did not go well and the doctor's say things are much worse than they thought. He has to go in for another surgery next week.

This is the moment I have been dreading for the last two years. The moment when I regret not talking to him or seeing him. Feeling pretty awful right now.  Its funny because 20 minutes ago I could have listed a million reasons why I am upset with him and why I have been avoiding him.  But right now, none of those reasons seem to matter and I just feel like I won Lousy Daughter of the Year award.

I hate that I have to go through my sister to get all of my information about him and that I can't just pick up the phone and call him to see how he is.




Those are the reasons I am heading to the gym.


Thankful Rolls

Each year for Thanksgiving, we round up the entire family and meet at my Mom's house for a turkey dinner.  Last year, I was in charge of making rolls. Normally, my family just goes out and buys a big bag of rolls and calls it good. I found a neat idea on Pinterest and decided to give it a try.

I decided to bake 'Thankful Rolls'.  I sent out an email to everyone and asked them to email me a couple things they were thankful for.  I then typed them all up, printed them and cut them out.  I folded each piece of paper in foil and stuck them inside Pillsbury crescent rolls. Not fancy rolls or anything, but they each had something we were thankful for inside. So as we all enjoyed dinner last year, we were able to read out loud what everyone was thankful for.  It ended up being really fun, trying to guess which one belonged to who. More importantly, it reminded everyone what the holiday was really about, being thankful.

This year, although I am allergic to gluten, I volunteered to make the rolls again.  I sent out the emails again and to my surprise, got no response.  So, last night I made a few phone calls to remind everyone in case they didn't see the email.  Some hadn't checked their email and quickly sent me a list of things they were thankful for, while others, didn't feel like participating.  One response was that they figured we were all thankful for the same things and they didn't need to send any.  I mentioned that it doesn't matter what others are thankful for, I just wanted everyone to give me something, even if it is something others are thankful for too.  They said they would have to go home and really think about it and then get back to me.

Really think about it? Sad.  I called my Mom and vented about how I couldn't believe people had to think hard about what they were thankful for. My Mom told me that all of the rolls don't need to be filled with things we are thankful for, just fill what I could and leave the rest empty.  We have seventeen people coming for Thanksgiving and I am planning on making three crescent rolls per person.  That is 51 crescent rolls and 51 things to be thankful for.  You mean to tell me that seventeen people don't have a combined 51 things to be thankful for?!

I would like to think that every single person has at least 51 things to be thankful for, if not much, much more. I told my Mom that every single roll would be filled with things we are thankful for, even if I have to fill all 51 with things I am thankful for.

Shouldn't we be thankful for everything, not matter how big or small it is? I think we are all thankful for our houses, jobs and families.  But what about all of the other things?  The small things that we probably take for granted most days?  Can't we be thankful for the small things too?

This journey to finding my happiness has truly showed me how many things I have taken for granted. Sitting around wishing for things I don't have while failing to recognize all of the really great things in my life. I am choosing to be thankful for everything, no matter how big or small.  Some may be the same as others, some may not, but either way, they are things that I choose to be thankful for.

Here are 51 things I am thankful for today:

1. I am thankful for my family.
2. I am thankful for my true friends.
3. I am thankful that I have been blessed with two beautiful puppies - Sadie and Mia.
4. I am thankful that I have a job.
5. I am thankful that I was able to buy a new car this year - my dream car.
6. I am thankful for my drive and motivation.
7. I am thankful for my trainer - she inspires me to be the best I can be.
8. I am thankful for the support I have on Twitter.
9. I am thankful for that first sip of coffee in the morning.
10. I am thankful for a God who loves me no matter what.
11. I am thankful for my blog - even if no one reads it, it reminds me of why I am working so hard.
12. I am thankful for country music.
13. I am thankful for my love of cooking.
14. I am thankful I have a beautiful apartment to go home to.
15. I am thankful for lazy Saturdays where I get to cuddle with my puppies.
16. I am thankful that my Mom is such a good cook - hands down cooks the best filet mignon you'll ever try.
17. I am thankful I have a sister who puts up with me.
18. I am thankful that I was able to go to college.
19. I am thankful for my fireplace - I love being able to relax in front of my fireplace.
20. I am thankful for Christmas time.
21. I am thankful for early mornings at the gym - quiet, empty and relaxing.
22. I am thankful I have people in my life that truly want to see me succeed.
23. I am thankful for all of the kind comments left on my blog, I truly appreciate them.
24. I am thankful my Aunt has helped me train my dogs.
25. I am thankful for long walks with my dogs on cool fall days - I love watching them get lost in the leaves.
26. I am thankful for casual Fridays.
27. I am thankful to be alive.
28. I am thankful for my happiness - although it gets lost sometimes, I always know where to find it.
29. I am thankful that I have discovered hobbies that I enjoy.
30. I am thankful for my love of running.
31. I am thankful for the book, 'Your Best Year Yet' - totally changed my life.
32. I am thankful that I am finally doing something about being so miserable - finally getting my life back.
33. I am thankful that I have not given up and that I refuse to give up - makes me proud.
34. I am thankful for my traffic free drives to work where I can listen to the morning show on the radio and just relax and drink my coffee.
35. I am thankful for that moment when I get home and my dogs act like they haven't seen me in forever - makes me so happy.
36. I am thankful for cold, blue sky winter days.
37. I am thankful that I can consider my Mom a good friend, not just my Mother.
38. I am thankful that my sister enjoys going shopping with me.
39. I am thankful for lists - they keep me motivated.
40. I am thankful that I am learning to love myself - making progress everyday.
41. I am thankful that I am becoming less of a picky eater.
42. I am thankful for texting - a simple "good morning" text can change my entire day.
43. I am thankful that my friend emails me and keeps me company at work.
44. I am thankful that Thai food is mostly gluten free - also wine.
45. I am thankful that Jesus died on the cross for all of my sins.
46. I am thankful for the feeling I get after an awesome workout.
47. I am thankful that Glipho has allowed me to share my blog posts on their site and for all of their support.
48. I am thankful to be able to sleep in on the weekends if I choose.
49. I am thankful that I choose to be happy and thankful.
50. I am thankful for Sunday afternoons spent at my Mom's house cutting coupons and grocery shopping with my sister.
51. I am thankful that I am learning to love myself and be confident in who I am - not feeling like I need to change in order for people to like me.

What are you thankful for?


November 20, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

 After feeling pretty down about myself yesterday, I met with my trainer.  We started with lunges and squats, did deadlifts and worked on biceps and chest.  Ended the workout with stretching and core work.

There are a few other older women (older, I mean older than me) that work out with us.  My trainer lets them use the 1-3lb weights during our workouts and they move to 5lbs when they push themselves.  My trainer lets me use no less than five and moves me all the way up to 30lb weights. I love that my trainer can see my strength and my drive.  She pushes me when I want to quit because she has faith that I can do it, even when I don't have faith in myself.  I tend to doubt my strength and my abilities.  But when I head over and grab a 5lb weight, my trainer grabs it from me and puts a 10 lb weight in my hand.  She knows I am a strong girl, she knows I want this so bad and I am so grateful for the fact that she pushes me when I forget to push myself.

While I was on the ball doing side situps, I asked if this will take away my muffin top.  My trainer laughed of course.  I told her that I am so sick of not seeing results and feeling fat.  One lady told me to workout. Workout?  I workout every single day! My trainer comforted me and told me to keep going, keep working hard and results will come.  She reminded me to focus on my progress, not how far I have to go.  Be proud that I can lift so much more than I used to be, proud that my stomach muscles are tight, proud that my triceps are visible now, proud that I can run more than I could last month.  Those are the things to focus on.

I went home feeling better than I did before the workout.  It was incredibly rainy here in Seattle yesterday, so I figured it was the perfect evening to cook dinner and relax with my dogs in front of a fire. I cooked light Honey Sesame Chicken and Broccoli and oh my gosh, it was so good.  Although I would have loved to have some delicious carbs with the meal, I was proud that I stuck to protein and vegetables.  I substituted my red wine with water and I felt satisfied.  Once 10 pm rolled around, I of course caught a glimpse of the cherry filled Hershey kisses on my counter and of course gave in and had a couple.  I am realizing it is easier to eat healthy without tempting food in front of me.  I put all the carbs, wine and chocolate deep into my cupboards so they aren't in plain sight.

Yesterday, I learned that I am putting unrealistic time constraints on my goal.  Its almost like I am visualizing myself looking like a fitness model by the time Christmas rolls around which is ridiculous.  My goal of getting happy and getting in shape should not have an expiration date.  I want to make healthy decisions and be proud of ANY progress I make by Christmas.  I was reading another woman's blog today, about her journey to becoming fit.  Sure, she looks like a fitness model, but she also said she has been working for FIFTEEN years to get where she is at.  While reading her blog, she is still striving to be better.  This journey never stops.  Being fit is a lifestyle, there is no end to it.  You don't get to look like a fitness model and then just stop working out and eating good.  Those people look the way they do because they have made fitness and health a lifestyle, something they work on every single day.

I understand I am not going to look like a fitness model in a month, heck it might take fifteen years.  But I can promise, I am not going to give up.  I am going to try my best to focus on progress, whether it be lifting more weight or my clothes fitting a little less snug.  I will be proud because I have worked too hard not to be.

I am working with my trainer again tonight, since we are not meeting tomorrow.  I love working with her because she reminds me I am strong and I can reach my goal as long as I don't give up.

Tonight this is what is motivating me to get to the gym:

1. Working for progress, not perfection.
2. The days, weeks and months will go by no matter what, I want to make the best of them.
3.  I want to be the best I can be.
4.  I want to have a better day than yesterday.
5.  I want to be confident.
6.  I want to be muscular and lose this fat.
7.  I want to be proud of the way I look.
8.  The harder I work, the more results I will see.
9.  Working out motivates me to eat better.
10.  I want to be happy.
11.  I want this so bad, I refuse to give up.
12.  This goal has no expiration and I will work on it until I am satisfied.
13.  I want to be comfortable around people/
14.  I want to make my family proud.
15.  More than anything, I want to make myself proud.


November 19, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

Although I had huge wins this weekend, I feel so discouraged.  I want results, like, now.

I am gaining muscle.  My body feels stronger, I can feel my muscles.  I am not as jiggly as I used to be.  But, as I gain the muscle, I am struggling to get rid of the fat.  My goal is to gain muscle while I lose all of this fat. I just thought it would happen at the same time.

 I have spent more time than I care to admit Googling how to lose body fat while gaining muscle.  I am not interested in taking diet pills or starving myself.  I want to do it the healthy way.  Google basically told me to lift weights, up my cardio, eat lots of protein and cut out carbs.  I lift weights daily and I get about an hour of cardio in each day.  I push myself HARD when I workout,  no doubt about that.  I have started eating better, trying to get more protein through meat, eggs and greek yogurt.  Carbs, well, I am still working on that.  The only carb I really eat are tortilla chips with my pica de gallo.  But besides that, since I am allergic to gluten, I never eat pasta, bread or anything like that.  I know I could definitely incorporate more vegetables into my diet.  I have avoided going on a diet because diets, for me at least, never work.  I end up feeling deprived, then I binge, then I quit.  I want to eat healthier without going on some strict diet plan.

Of course in my Google search, I read about supplements.  I read about all these different proteins to take that will help build muscle and increase your energy.  I know a lot of people who drink protein shakes and what not, but they have huge muscles.  I want to be fit and in shape.  I want muscles and I want to feel good.  But not sure supplements are the way to go.  Do girls take supplements?  Or, are they supposed to?  Do you only take supplements when you are building muscle, not when you are trying to lose weight too?  Advice? I'll take any I can get.

I feel like I need to make some sort of change to my diet and exercise routine because right now, I am not getting the results I want.  Sure, I know I need to be patient, but I feel like this is my body telling me to push harder.  I don't want another month to go by and still see minimal results.  I just want to feel like my hard work is making SOME kind of difference.  I do feel better, but I want to feel even better.  I refuse to give up and I want to get fit and healthy, the healthy way.

I am meeting with my trainer this evening and then going home and walking my dogs in the crazy Seattle rain (basically flooding outside today).

Today, this is what is motivating me to get to the gym:

1. Clearly, I have issues with confidence.  I am sick of it.
2. Next time I go out to eat with friends, I don't want to feel embarrassed of eating in front of them.
3. I want to see some freaking RESULTS already.
4. I want to run more 5Ks and maybe even a 10K or half marathon in the future.
5. I want to love myself.
6. I want to enjoy shopping for clothes and enjoy trying clothes on.
7. I want to be able to buy - and wear - a bikini next summer.
8. I want to feel comfortable going to family functions.
9. I am sick of being embarrassed of what I look like and feeling like a fat cow.
10. I want to be able to shop for smaller clothes.
11. I want people to notice that I have lost weight.
12. There is about a month until Christmas, I want to feel good going to see the family.
13. I want to be in shape and feel good about myself.
14. I am annoyed by my set backs this weekend.

Last but not least,

15. I have worked way too hard to give up now.


Wins and Set Backs

What a weekend!  Spent my Friday evening at the gym.  Did an hour on the bike and did a lower body workout.  I ended my evening at home relaxing on the couch with my dogs.

On Saturday, woke up and cooked breakfast and then headed to the gym.  I decided to try running since I had the 5K on Sunday.  I originally planned to walk the 5K with my Mom and her friend, but I just wanted to see if I could possibly run it.  Considering I haven't ran in three weeks due to my knee, I was surprisingly able to run 4.28 miles pain free.  I felt really good about that.  Saturday night, I met up with my Mom and some family friends.  We grabbed dinner and drinks and listened to live music at the restaurant.

Sunday was the 5K.  I woke up, made breakfast, did some stretching and got ready for the run.  I found out my Mom's friend's daughter and her boyfriend were running the 5K.  Instantly, I wanted to call and tell them I couldn't go.  I felt so anxious, couldn't even sit down and relax.  Sounds stupid, but knowing that she is a good runner, I felt so embarrassed to run the 5K.  Eventually, my ride came and we were off to the 5K.  My sister decided that she would run it with me.

Once the race started, my sister and I took off.  About .25 miles into the race, my sister decided to walk.  Usually, I would have taken that as an excuse to walk too.  I decided to continue on.  I really wanted to run the 5K and try my best, not allow anyone to hold me back or make me feel embarrassed. I ran a majority of the race and felt so strong, both mentally and physically.

I know a 5K is nothing to most runners, but for me, this was a big win.  Two months ago, I was too embarrassed to even go to a gym let alone enter a 5K and run it.  I surprised myself when I finished in under 33 minutes, especially considering that I walked a little bit.  I was able to pass other runners and passed several runners who had to stop and walk the rest of the race.  I finished the race and felt really proud of myself.  I conquered my fear of getting back into running and racing.  I felt really proud of myself.

When I am alone, at home or at the gym, I feel really good about myself.  I am able to focus on my progress and how hard I have been working.  But this weekend made me realize something.  I feel good alone, but around others, I feel just as insecure as I did before.

For example, when my Mom and our family friends went out on Saturday, we ran into some friends of ours.  They decided to join us.  Two of them are my age and in great shape.  Instantly, I felt like I needed to change my dinner order and didn't feel comfortable eating in front of them in fear that they would judge me.  Ridiculous, I know.

Later that night, my Mom mentioned that my brother and my sisters significant others are coming for thanksgiving.  Every single person at Thanksgiving has a wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend except my mom and I.  They are all going to want to take pictures and I am going to look like the fat sister.

When I am alone, I feel comfortable with myself and the fact I am as single.  I honestly am.  But for some reason, around family and friends, all of this confidence gets thrown out the window and I feel so insecure.  I end up comparing myself to them.  I honestly feel like at fat cow in public, I feel so much heavier in public around people than when I am at home.  I feel like I get so uncomfortable that my mind skews the way I see myself.  Maybe I am heavy and fat, but when I am at home alone, I feel proud and comfortable with the way I look, even if I am heavy.  My brother and sister are both younger than me and both are in relationships.  Makes me feel like a big fat loser.  But then again, I honestly don't have any interest in dating someone until I am fully happy with myself.  So why am I jealous of them if it is something I don't even want right now?!

My run on Saturday and the 5K on Sunday were huge wins for me this weekend.  My insecurities around my friends and family about being 24 and single and overweight are set backs.  I gained this weight over two years, I can't expect that it is going to fall off in two months.  I can't allow these set backs to get me off track, I will simply use them as motivation to work harder and eat better.  I think I thought I would see major progress by now and I haven't.  So maybe this is a clue that I need a more strict diet (ugh I hate that word).

Everything I have issues with comes back to being happy and loving myself.  Fat, skinny, no matter what, having confidence in myself and knowing that my weight does not define me as a person.  I judge myself more than anyone else.  Having confidence in myself, a much bigger issue than I thought.

Time to work on it.


Pictures From the Weekend

Turkey Trot 5K
Before the gym on Friday
Low key Friday night after the gym

Saturday Cardio
New workout top

Protein and Ice after 4.28 mile run on Saturday

Saturday Night

Before the Turkey Trot 5K

Before the Turkey Trot 5K
Friday's Outfit

November 16, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

It's Friday and I have a date with the gym tonight.  A hot date I might add.  The gym is where I need to be because I am not to my goal yet and have a lot of work to do.  Plus, I actually like being at the gym on Fridays.  No time constraints, no rushing, just enjoying the burn.

I found this quote above and I love it.  Before I started working out with my trainer, I would cheat in the gym constantly.  When I would lift weights, I would tell myself I was going to do two sets of fifteen and end up being lazy and only doing two sets of seven.  Cheating only hurts myself, no one else.  If I don't do my full cardio time or all my reps, I am only cheating myself out of achieving my goal.  My trainer has really inspired me to push myself hard.  If I say I am going to do fifteen reps, you can bet that I am going to do all fifteen.  If I am going to do an hour of cardio, you can also bet that I am going to push myself hard every second of that hour.  The more I push myself, the stronger I am going to be both mentally and physically.  Because in the end, the body achieves what the mind believes.

For my hot date with the gym tonight, I bought some new workout clothes today.  New running capris, a new top and this cute pink hoodie.  I understand that the purpose of going to the gym is to workout, not to attempt to look cute in the process.  But, I definitely feel better about myself when I am in cute workout clothes rather than my baggie old t-shirts.  I just feel more confident and don't feel like I need to hide in the corner at the gym.

Two months ago, I would have never posted a picture like this on my blog.  I would have snapped fifty pictures, trying to suck my stomach in, make sure I didn't have a double chin and would have been disgusted with every picture.  Today, I snapped one picture. Just one. Didn't have to suck my gut in or angle the camera just right.  Sounds so stupid, but I like that I can take a picture, just one, and like what I see.

Tonight, I am going to the gym and I am going to do an hour of cardio and lift weights.  I am going to take my time, make sure I do every rep and push myself as hard as I can.

Tonight, this is what is motivating me to get to the gym:

1. I want to be able to buy my clothes in smaller sizes.
2. I want to make myself proud.
3. I am not going to cheat myself from achieving my goals.
4. I like sweating at the gym.
5. Fridays are nice at the gym, pretty empty and relaxed.
6. I can't wait to wear my new clothes to the gym.
7. I want to feel comfortable taking family pictures at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
8. I want to continue feeling confident.
9. I like being able to look in the mirror and like what I see.
10. I am sick of being the biggest person at work and in my family.
11. I can't wait for the day my Mom notices my hard work.
12. I want to be able to run without my knee hurting.
13. Working out makes me feel good.
14. I like being a regular at the gym.
15. I feel more myself than I ever have, I want to continue feeling this good.

Have a good weekend everyone!


Confidence is the Best Accessory

Today is Friday.  Fridays are becoming my favorite day of the week.  I look forward to my Friday workouts more than any other day of the week.  Never thought I would say that.  I get to go to the gym, with no pressure of having to be quick in order to get home and prep for the next work day.  I don't have to rush home from work and rush to the gym.  I can stay for as long as I would like and take my time.

Another thing I like about Fridays is that I can wear jeans to work.  During the week, I usually wear my business casual clothes to work and then wear my gym clothes then get straight into my pajamas.  My work clothes are fitted, but not tight. So it is hard to tell if my clothes are fitting any different, because they are loose to start with.  On Fridays, I get to wear my normal, tight fitting clothes.  My clothes don't fit any different from how they fit last week, but I do like what I see in the mirror.

I took a picture of myself this morning and was surprised by what I saw.  My face looks slimmer.  I have a jaw line.  My face and neck aren't all one any more. I didn't have to take the picture from up above to avoid seeing my double chin.  Its little things like this that boost my confidence and make this whole journey so worth it.  All these nights at the gym, watching what I eat now, its all paying off.

I just feel good.  So proud of my progress.  Happy that exercising and working on myself is becoming a habit, something I do every day. I feel confident in myself and the choices I am making.  Going to the gym and getting my eating habits under control are my priorities right now.

I used to feel so guilty telling people I can't do things because I have to go to the gym.  But now, I don't feel guilty about it.  If going to the gym and working on myself makes me happy, then that is exactly what I am going to do. This confidence and happiness I feel gives me the motivation to continue on and to not give up.  It feels so good.

I truly believe that the best accessory a girl can own is confidence. I feel confident in myself and my decisions and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Happy Friday!


November 15, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

I have been on a kick of making dinner after work lately.  Makes it so much easier to eat healthy when I cook a good meal, plus I really enjoy cooking.  Last night, after I worked out with my trainer I went home and cooked Thai Chicken Peanut Spaghetti Squash.  Turned out great!

I have been trying to think of a new recipe to cook for dinner tonight and then it hit me.  Crap, I have to go to the gym tonight.  How did I forget?  On Monday and Wednesday I worked out with my trainer and I skipped the gym on Tuesday for the Eric Church concert.  I haven't gone to my actual gym since Sunday so it kind of just slipped my mind.  Instantly, in my mind I thought, great now I can't make dinner and have to eat crap.

Hold up blondie!  I don't have to do anything.  Going to the gym is the most ridiculous excuse to eat junk food.  Sure, I am not going to get home until about 8pm or so but either way, I am determined not to pick up a bag of chips after the gym.  Totally defeats the purpose of going to the gym!

So, tonight is going to be hard.  My problem is that I don't like to eat dinner before the gym because I feel too slugglish.  But, making dinner at 8pm and eating around 9pm isn't healthy either. I honestly don't know what the solution is but I do know a bag of chips is not the answer.  If I want to get healthy and spend my evenings at the gym, I can't eat processed junk food afterwards.  I want this too bad for myself to make any more excuses and eat like crap.  Not going to happen.  This is just an obstacle, challenging my drive and motivation.  I want this so bad for myself and I will find a way around this and succeed.

Today, this is what is motivating me to get to the gym:

1. I can't wait to do some cardio, love it.
2. I would really like to sign up - and run - a 5K in the near future.
3. I am sick of feeling embarrassed when I eat in front of others.
4. I don't want to be ashamed of my weight anymore.
5. I want to be able to buy any pair of boot I want - and have them fit over my calves.
6. I want people to be able to just look at me and know I am happy.
7. I don't want to be one of those people who only goes to the gym after the new year - then quit a month later.
8. I like being able to tell people I work out daily.
9. I want to have nice legs - long muscular legs.
10. I want to be able to actually wear shorts next summer - haven't worn shorts in YEARS.
11. If I want to see results, I need to put in the work - and change my eating habits.
12. I want my clothes to fit looser and I want others to notice.
13. Working out makes me feel really good about myself.
14. I am proud of the progress I have made.
15. I want to continue growing - I love the person I am becoming.


Be Someone Who Makes You Happy

I worked out with my trainer last night.  She kicked my butt, as always.  I am sore today, which reminds me of how hard I worked last night.  We did lots of squats, core work, as well a a good bicep and chest workout.

Everyday after I workout with her, we always have good talks.  I feel like I can tell her anything, be honest and know that she will give me honest advice in return.  I told her that I am really anxious to weigh myself.  No idea why I am so obsessed with the number on the scale.  I think I just want to see the number go down to prove how hard I am working.  Even though I know I am working hard, I feel like the number on the scale will give me some sort of reassurance. She stopped and told me not to unless I was prepared to be disappointed.  The number is just a number, it does not define how hard you are working and trying.  Judge your success by how you feel, how your clothes fit and if you are happy.  She asked, "How do you feel?".  I told her I feel better than ever, much happier with myself.  And she said "It shows".

It shows? She talked about happy people and how you can just see it in their eyes. You can tell when someone is happy, they carry themselves differently and light up a room when they walk in.  Judge your success on that, not the scale.  If you are happy and you do things that make you happy, everything else will fall into place.  Being happy and feeling better about myself IS the result of my hard work, the number on the scale will follow eventually.  But in the meantime, why let the number on the scale disappoint me if working out and eating better makes me feel good?

I think I get sidetracked on why I am working out and why I want to eat better.  Don't get me wrong, I do want to lose weight, look better and be thinner.  But honestly, I would take happiness over being skinny any day of the week.  If I am not happy with myself, being fat or skinny isn't going to change that. I like that my trainer can notice a difference in my attitude and how I carry myself.

Along this journey of finding my happiness, I feel like I have totally changed my definition of "being happy".  I thought everything had to be perfect in order for me to be happy.  I honestly thought that I had to have a boyfriend and lot of friend and have this perfect life in order to be happy. I would always say, "I'll be happy when I am in shape", "I'll be happy when I get a boyfriend", "I'll be happy when I have more friends", "I'll be happy when I get a new car".  So many 'I'll be happy if's..'.

I can make myself happy all on my own, without anyone else.  I already proved that having a boyfriend won't make me happier considering my last relationship made me miserable to say the least.  I bought a new car and that made me happy for a second, until I started paying my car payment.  Happiness does not come from other people or material things.  I don't need attention from guys to make me happy.  I don't need buy new things to make myself happy.  The best part is that I am finding happiness in things that I already have and things that I already do.  Taking the time to appreciate what I have and realizing how much I have to be thankful for.  The more time I set aside for myself and to workout, to eat better, to cook healthy meals, the better I feel about myself and the happier I am.

I am choosing to be happy and choosing to rely on myself for my happiness.  I am perfectly fine all on my own and do not need to rely on other people or other things for my happiness.  Happiness is the goal, looking awesome is just the cherry on top.


November 14, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

I skipped the gym yesterday and had fast food. Not proud of it, but can't change it now.  I went to the Eric Church concert last night and just had no time to squeeze a workout in.

That was yesterday and thankfully today is a new day, another chance to get things right.  I am going to be working out with my trainer tonight. I am still sore from Monday's workout with her.  Those dead lifts made my hamstrings so sore!

Minus yesterday  I have been eating really healthy.  I used to eat gluten free bread and butter for breakfast with my coffee and creamer.  I am now eating light yogurt with a banana and using coconut milk in my coffee.  I have been packing my  lunch everyday so I won't be tempted to go order out Thai food.  For dinner, I have been preparing meals and meal planning.  That way, I can ensure I either have a fresh cooked meal or leftovers to eat for dinner and to take for lunch the next day.  Making sure I always have healthy food on hand really gives me no excuse to binge on potato chips.

I find the healthier I eat, the better I feel.  I am not bloated and overly full with starches anymore. Since I have been eating more chicken, the protein keeps me full for a longer period of time so I don't feel the need to snack all night after dinner.  Amazing what a big difference eating habits can make.

I feel really good lately.  I feel content with life and happy with my progress.  My body feels tighter and I can see and feel muscles I forgot I had.  Last night as I was putting my pajamas on, I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  To my surprise, I am beginning to see my stomach muscles again. Yes, I still have fat on top of the muscles I need to lose, but I can see the shape of my body changing.

Its been a month an a half since I started working out daily and I feel dramatically different than I did in the beginning.  I can't wait to see how I feel in the next few months.  This is the longest I have stuck to working out and I don't ever plan on stopping.

Today, this is what is motivating me to kick butt at the gym tonight:

1. I want to see more results, see more muscle, feel smaller.
2. I feel so content with myself, not sure I have ever felt content, but I like it.
3. I don't feel desperate for a relationship anymore, because I like myself and know I deserve the best.
4. I am ready to go shopping, buy smaller clothes that I never used to wear before.
5. I would love to be able to wear a little black dress on new years eve.
6. The more I work on myself, the more proud of myself I am.
7. I want this to be a lifestyle, something I automatically do.
8. I want to the best I can be.
9. I want to, far, long...and be good at it.
10. I am not giving up, ever...not even an option.


I'm Single - And Its Ok

I graduated from college two years ago with a double major in Finance and Economics.  I loved everything about college.  Late week nights at the library followed by late nights at the bars on the weekends. I was working two jobs and taking a full course load and attempted to have a social life at the same time.  Life was so crazy but I loved every second of it.  After four years of craziness, I was happy to be done.  I got a big girl job, moved into my own place and got a dog.  I began to have so much free time and didn't even know what to do with myself.  No one tells you how hard it is to adjust to the real world after college.  All of the people you get close to in your classes move away, get jobs, go get their masters and many, get married.

My Facebook went from pictures of parties and people having fun to engagement pictures, weddings and babies.  Once college is done, there is so much pressure to grow up, settle down and start a family.  Most of my friends either have boyfriends or are married with children.  The pressure to get into a relationship, get married and settle down feels so huge.

So, in my desperate attempt to settle down like everyone else, I got a boyfriend a year and a half ago.  He was ok.  He had none of the things I thought I wanted in someone.  He didn't have a good job, was not financially stable, never went to college, lived at home and was ten years older than me and frankly, we literally had nothing in common.  He hated everything I liked and I hated everything he liked.  Opposites attract, right? Wrong. Shouldn't that have been enough to convince myself he wasn't for me?

A year went by and I became more and more miserable.  I gave up everything I liked and all the people I used to hang out with because he didn't like those people or the things I liked.  I compromised my entire identity to be with someone I didn't even really like.  I liked the idea of him, but not him.  He moved in and I became trapped.  I even convinced myself I wanted to marry this guy.  Why?  Because I liked the idea.

Thankfully, one morning he told me he wasn't happy.  I asked him if he was going to leave and he said, "No. It is easier to stay here".  Easier?  Oh hell no.  It wasn't until I realized that he was settling for me that  I realized I was settling for him.  And instantly, I knew he wasn't for me and he moved out that night.

Sad to me that I was willing to settle for him, but the idea of him settling for me wasn't ok.  No one should ever settle for anything less than they deserve, not even me. So there I was, and still am, single. I was so damn desperate that I was willing to compromise who I am, what I like, my friends, my family and everything I stand for...for A GUY. A STUPID GUY.


I realized last night, this is the first time in my life that I don't feel desperate.  I am ok being single.  I am ok with being patient and waiting for the right person, the person that I don't have to compromise who I am for.  The person who will love me exactly how I am, flaws and all.  Isn't it worth the wait?  I was willing to give myself up to be like everyone else, settled down and married. There are so many people in this world, why settle for one who isn't a good match?

I am finally realizing that I have the rest of my life to find that one person.  Being single and HAPPY is better than being in a relationship and MISERABLE.  I am enjoying just being me right now, not having to pretend to be someone I'm not.  I enjoy just being home by myself now, not feeling like I constantly have to be texting and talking to someone.  I can be alone, my company is good company.

I am single.  I am happy.  And for the very first time in my life, I feel content being single and just being me.


November 13, 2012

Learning to Mind My Own Business

I kicked butt with  my trainer yesterday.  She had me dripping sweat within the first five minutes.  Started out with more squats than I can count, did a lot of back exercises, finished off with dead lifts and core exercises.  What I love about having a trainer is, the second I feel like I can't do any more, she makes me do ten more.  She proves to me time and time again that I can do whatever I tell myself I can do.  If I say I'm going to do ten more, my body will follow.

I had a good conversation with my Mom on the way home from my workout.  We were talking about things that were bothering me and things that were bothering her and she stopped me mid sentence.  She told me that all the things I was complaining about had absolutely nothing to do with me.  I find myself doing this a lot.  I make other peoples problems my own.  For example, last week, the guy my Mom likes bailed on her.  I stressed about that and talked about that more than she did.  I made it my problem, when in reality, it had absolutely nothing to do with me.  Then my Mom said, if you were happy with yourself, you wouldn't do that so much.  Its strange to think that  me making other peoples problems my own and being happy with myself has anything to do with one another.  But, I think she might be on to something.  If I was happy with myself and focused on myself more, I wouldn't bother getting into other peoples business.  I could listen to their problems without stressing out over their problems for them.  Learning the importance of minding my own business.

The more I get into other peoples business, it takes me away from my goal of improving myself.  Everyone in life has their own set of problems, but it is not my place to solve the problems for people.  No one asked me to feel bad for them, to give them advice or to help them so why do I feel the need to do so?

My Mom gave me a wake up call last night.  In order to stay on track, I need to focus on myself and where I want to be.  The happier I am with myself, the less I will feel the need to butt into other peoples business.  Sometimes it is necessary to step back and say "Is this my problem?" and "Does this affect me?".  If not, let go of it and move on.  Worrying about why this guy ditched my Mom is not my problem and does not affect me.  Therefore, I shouldn't be stressing about it.

Everyday, I am realizing how important it is to be happy with myself.  My happiness truly affects so many aspects of my life.  I do feel happier than I have been in a very long time, but last night showed me I still have a lot of work to do.  It doesn't take much for something to throw me off course and stress me out which is something that I definitely need to work on.

Happiness is my ultimate goal.  Working out, getting in shape, eating better, feeling better about myself and strengthening the relationships in my life are stepping stones to achieving true happiness.