October 29, 2012

Worry Solves Nothing

Worry. I am really good at worrying. I worry and over analyze every situation I am ever in.  This worry literally consumes me at times and will make me sick.

I have my annual doctors exam next week.  I get so worried about going to the doctor.  I get so nervous that they are going to tell me something is wrong that I can literally convince myself I am dying.  Every time I get sick or even get a cold, I think it is cancer or something that is going to kill me.  The thought of having to go to the doctor next week literally gives me a headache.

The more I worry and stress myself out, the more my OCD comes out.  My OCD is the worst at night.  The process of going to bed takes me almost two hours.  I check to make the door is locked about a million times, I check to make sure the pillows are fluffed just right, my shoes have to be in the perfect position.    I go to the bathroom honestly like 20 times before bed in fear of having to get up in the middle of the night.  If I get a bad thought while I am in the process of doing these stupid rituals, I have to completely start over.

I even stress about my nail polish color.  Sounds so ridiculous.  I pick my nail color by the name of the polish.  The name has to be happy, nothing negative.  And if I have a bad day wearing a certain polish, I will never ever ever wear it again.  WHO DOES THIS?  I really want to go get a bright red polish today, but the thought of a new color literally consumes me with stress.  So stupid, yet I can't convince myself its ok to just buy whatever color I like.

The more I stress and worry, the worse all this gets.  All of my exercising has really helped lower my stress levels.  I have become really good at finding solutions to the things that worry me so I can stop stressing.  But this week, this doctors appointment has me all out of whack.  I am ready for next week to be over.  All of these rituals consume my life, it should never take someone two hours to go to bed.

I currently have no solution to this stress about this doctors appointment.  I have no reason to stress.  There is nothing I can do between now and next week that will impact the outcome of my doctors appointment.  If I am healthy, I am healthy, if somethings wrong, then I will figure it out then.  Just wish I could forget about it until then.  No point in stressing about something that isn't even here yet.

Just venting my frustrations, sometimes I wish I could just not worry and just be happy and thankful for today.  Worry solves nothing, just makes us miserable in the meantime.

Jess

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