October 18, 2012

Proud of Who I am Becoming

I woke up this morning feeling so motivated and strong. I had a great workout with my trainer yesterday.  We did a million lunges and shoulder presses.  After that, we did a 20 minute ab workout.  Yesterday was the first time I really felt stronger.  My abs feel so much tighter than they did last week.  I can't see my abs yet, but oh my, they are definitely there.

I had a good talk with my trainer after we worked out. My trainer is a 62 year old feisty British woman who is in insane shape.  She looked at me in the eyes yesterday and told me I am way to young to be feeling like this about myself.  I don't even have to say anything to her, she knows how miserable I am and how bad I want this for myself just by looking at me.

I don't usually talk about working out with friends or family. If I fail, I don't want anyone else to know.  I write about it on this blog and tell a couple people, but honestly, that's it.  When she recognized my internal struggle yesterday, it was almost a relief.  She knows what I am battling and she is rooting for me to succeed.  Maybe this is exactly what I need.  Telling people my goals and what I am striving for, that way I have more support and accountability.  Before she left, she told me she would ask me how I did all weekend, how my workouts were, how my eating habits were, so be prepared for it. When Monday rolls around, I want to be able to tell her I had strong workouts, drank a lot of water and ate good healthy meals.

I have so much shame for letting myself go and getting this far off track.  I have admitted my shame and embarrassment to myself, but no one else. I need accountability and support.  I need to get my shame, guilt and all those other awful feelings out in the open that way I can LET THEM GO.  Its time to focus on how well I am doing right now and all of the good choices I am making rather than focusing on all of the awful things that got me to this point.  As easy as it is for me to write that, it is not easy to do.  Just have to keep reminding myself of how well I am doing and be proud of myself for the decisions I am making right now.

So today, I am thankful for the motivation I have and proud of myself for the decisions I am making.  I am proud I have the courage to admit that I have done myself wrong for too long and happy that I am brave enough to step out and make decisions that will have a positive impact on my future.

I am not perfect, I have made mistakes I am not proud of, but I am proud of the choices I am making today and the person I am becoming.

Jess

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