October 31, 2012

Never Defeated Unless You Give Up

Last night was fairly comical at the gym.  First off, I literally had to drag my butt to the gym.  Hard to find motivation on rainy days, and in Seattle, that's like every day.  Once I got to the gym I felt good, really wanted to get on the treadmill, warm up with some walking and then run.  I hopped on the treadmill and started with an inclined fast paced walk. The more I walked, the more my pants started to slide down.  After pulling them up a million and one times, I decided to stop the treadmill and tie them really tight.  By that time I was so annoyed, I just decided it was time to run.  Well the tie didn't help and I realized I was flashing my pink thong to the entire gym.  Cute, right? So, treadmill was out. I figured the bike would be safe, pants can't fall down if I am sitting down, right?  I hop on the bike and literally every single person around me gets off their machine and goes to a different machine.  Ok, weird.  For the entire time I was on the bike, people would hop on the machine next to me then instantly get off and go elsewhere.  Ok, what the heck? Do I smell????  I checked, and I am fairly confident that I didn't smell! But, pretty comical to say the least.

I did my cardio and lifted weights, but I was completely distracted the entire time.  As annoying as it was, I was just thankful that I went to the gym and continued to workout even though no one in the entire gym wanted to be within 20 feet of me.  Days like yesterday, you can't help but feel a little defeated.  Nothing I did went the way I wanted it to go, but hey, that's life I suppose.

But then I remembered, you are never really defeated unless you give up.  Some workouts are going to be better than others and some workouts are going to completely suck. But the only thing that matters is that I still worked out. I still completed a workout and a hard workout at that!  And that, my friends, I can be proud of.

You know, there are a lot of things I want in life.  I have goals for myself, things I want to accomplish, but loving myself and being happy is at the top of the list.  Getting my butt in shape and running again, that makes me happy.  I want this so bad.  Sometimes thinking about it will literally make me so angry because I want it THAT bad.  People always tell me "Don't give up yet".  Yet? Hell.  I am never giving up.  I have given up so many times before that it makes me sick to even think about it.  Giving up has got me to where I am today.  I have wasted too much time being miserable and hating myself and frankly, it is not a fun way of living.   I know what it is like to be miserable and hate everything about yourself.  I am ready to know what it feels like to love the person I am, love what I see in the mirror and just be happy with who I am. I just can't live another day being unhappy, I just refuse to do it.

I have never wanted something so much.  I don't know why it makes me angry even thinking about it, you would think it would make me happy to think about it.  But, I think I am angry at the fact I have deprived myself of happiness for way too long and I just don't ever want to go back there. I am angry I let myself go.  I am angry at the fact that I don't like myself even though I know there are so many things about me that are likable.

I think all this anger is what drives me to want this so bad.  But being angry isn't healthy.  I hope eventually, I can let this anger go and just be free.  Whats past is past, I can't go and change the past two years but I can make changes going forward.

The harder I work towards my goal, I think I will eventually be able to let go of this anger.  Also, reminding myself today that any workout is better than no workout and there is no such thing as defeat unless we give up.

Happy Halloween!

Jess


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