October 4, 2012

Motivation > Fears

More often than not, my fear consumes me.  It is a little voice in my head telling me I can't do it, you'll fail, therefore, no point in trying.  I listen to this voice and it is amazing how I can truly convince myself that I will fail.

My fear of getting back in the gym, running and losing weight consumes me.  With the help of my fear, I can come up with every excuse in the book of why I shouldn't go to the gym, why I shouldn't throw my running shoes on and hit the pavement and why I shouldn't lose weight.

1. I am too fat to go to the gym.
2. People will judge me.
3. My butt looks fat in my yoga pants.
4. I'm tired.
5. I need to stay home with my dogs.
6. When I run, my butt jiggles.
7. I probably can't run very far anyways.
8. Did I mention I am really tired?
9. I really want to sit on the couch and watch my tv shows.
10. Um, how about, I don't feel like it.

The one that cracks me up the most is "I am too fat to go to the gym". Uh, isn't that the point of going to the gym?  If I don't go to the gym, run or do something, I am always going to think I am too fat to go to the gym. Honestly, these excuses are hilarious.  Not one of them is a good excuse not to go.

Instead of focusing on why I shouldn't/don't want to go to the gym, I need to focus on why I want to go to the gym. Maybe that will give me motivation to quiet that little voice in my head telling me I can't.

1. I want to lose weight.
2. I want to be able to run with ease again.
3. I want to feel hot in my yoga pants.
4. I want to feel attractive and worthy again.
5. I want to feel less stressed.
6. I want to KNOW I am hot.
7. I am sick of hearing my mother talk about how much weight I have gained.
8. I want to be able to go to my Dad's house and not feel like he is criticizing me for my weight.
9. I want to be able to wear what ever I want.
10. I want to be free.

Now that right there, that is my motivation.  Honestly, number 7 and 8 are motivation enough for me. I want to prove my family wrong. Every time I go over there, I feel like I am on the defense and can't eat in fear of what they will say about my weight. I am ready to feel hot.  I am ready to feel like I am worthy enough to deserve a great guy in my life and great friends. Ready to stop hiding out in my apartment because I am embarrassed of what I look like.

Yesterday, I made progress.  My company hired a personal trainer to come in every Monday and Wednesday from 4:30-5:30 to work with a couple of us girls in the office.  I brought my workout clothes to work yesterday and was so nervous all day.  Why? Well, I was nervous I wouldn't be able to find the group, nervous they would judge me and I wouldn't be welcome.  Ridiculous.

I went down and changed at 4:20, found the locker room just fine.  All of the women were over 45 years old and I was the thinnest one there. They all welcomed me. We laughed, we complained and   we all had a really great time. We talked about Madonna, talked about tv and talked about how we are going to be so sore the next day! After the class was done, I felt so stupid for wasting my entire day being so nervous.

I am very sore today but it feels so good. I know it was only one workout and I will need many more to achieve my goals of slimming down, but I feel really happy that I made some progress. Sometimes all it takes it focusing on your motivation, not your excuses and fears.  If your motivation is bigger than your fears, you can do anything.



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