October 16, 2012

Making Friends With Myself

GuiltGuilt is a feeling that you have done something wrong or bad or let someone down, or the state of having broken a law.

I struggle with guilt more than I struggle with anything else. The root of a majority of my actions is due to the fact I will feel guilty if I don't do certain things.  I am beginning to realize, I feel guilty at the wrong times.  I feel guilty when I make someone upset, when someone doesn't call or text me, when I say no or have to cancel plans, when I feel like I let other people down.  My guilt makes me act like a crazy person.  I will ask you ten million times a day if you are ok and if you are mad at me. I will go out of my way to do anything for everyone else just to make sure everyone is happy and content with me.  Yet, I never feel guilty when I let myself down, when I give up things I want to do in order to please others, when I treat myself poorly, when I allow others to treat me poorly.  When I bail on walking my dogs or a workout, I never feel guilty, because, at least I am making someone else happy.  If someone treats me like dirt, I feel like it is my fault. Ridiculous.

I realized this last night, when the person I was hoping to hang out last night bailed on me.  Oh gosh, what did I do wrong, what should have I said, did I make them upset, oh my, what should I do to fix this?  Someone bailed on me, yet I am taking all of the blame.  I am sitting around feeling bad, feeling guilty...for what? Why am I sitting around beating myself up over something that is so beyond my control?!

The nice thing is, since I have been 100% myself, said what I have needed to say and have done the things I want to do, I can honestly say I did NOTHING wrong.  Feels really good. I didn't sit around and feel sorry for myself last night that someone bailed on me.  Didn't over analyze what I should have, could have, would have done.  There was no guilt because I was myself.  Instead of texting and calling this person trying to figure out what I did wrong,  I worked out with my trainer a little bit longer instead, was able to make a great healthy dinner and spent extra time walking my dogs and enjoying their cuteness.  They may have bailed on me, but I took it as an opportunity to do something nice for myself.  

I am realizing that my company is good company.  If someone bails on me, doesn't want to talk to me, its totally OK.  I am able to be content doing my own thing, keeping myself busy without having to rely on others.

I understand it is going to take more than a couple weeks to completely change and be content with everything life throws my way.  But, I love when I can see myself changing, becoming more at ease and go with the flow, learning to actually love who I am.  

I read a quote once, "If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone".  I am learning to have my own back, be my own friend, rely on myself,  love myself, trust myself and have confidence in the decisions I make.  So go ahead, bail on me...I can promise you, its not going to ruin my day :)



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