October 2, 2012

Facing the Facts

Happy Tuesday everyone :) It's October, it's fall and I am loving every second of it!

Step three in 'Your Best Year Yet' is "What did I learn?". This one is a tough one because I actually have to confront all of my baggage. Eww.

After looking at my list of accomplishments, the ones I am most proud about are my job and my car. Two things that honestly took a lot of work.  I worked on my resume for hours upon hours.  I practiced my interviewing skills day and night and was constantly on the look out for new jobs and opportunities.  My hard work paid off and I found a great job that I absolutely love. Once I got the job, I decided to finally get a new car.  I got my dream car. A white Lexus IS250 with tinted windows and black interior. This was a major upgrade from my Oldsmobile! I am finding the things I am most proud of are the ones that I have something to show for it.  I have the job, I have the car.  I worked hard and can see the results. My other accomplishments such as giving up gluten, learning to clean, gaining responsibility at work and remaining single, as much as I am proud, I have nothing to show for those accomplishments.  Clearly I am driven by tangible accomplishments.  So when I make a new list of goals, I think it is really important to have a few things on the list that are tangible.

Looking at my disappointments was a bit more difficult for me.  If you notice, there is a clear theme in my disappointments. My weight. If I eat healthier and start running again, I would lose weight, I would feel more attractive, have more confidence which would help me not rely on others for my happiness, not let others control my emotions and I would feel a lot better about being single. More than anything, I would feel so incredibly proud of myself if I lost weight and got back into shape.  Look how many of my disappointments are related to my weight? So many.  My weight is a big reason I have pushed friends away, and sadly my Dad too.  I am so embarrassed by the way I look that I literally push everyone away in my life to avoid them seeing me.  I have lost 20 lbs since January, but I honestly could easily lose another 30.

The worst of it all is...I am too fat to go running or to go to the gym.  I feel like everyone will judge me. I feel ridiculous even writing that because honestly, I need to go to the gym, eat healthy and run for MYSELF not for anyone else.  Why do I care what other people think of me so much?  I care so much that I would rather sit at home and feel miserable about myself than get up and just do something about it. Once I got out of the habit of running everyday and going to the gym, it feels impossible to get back into it.  I get home from work and feel tired and the last thing I feel like doing is getting dressed and driving to the gym to work out. So ridiculous.

When next year rolls around, I really want my accomplishments to be: Lost Weight, Feel Attractive Again, Got Back into Running, Workout Daily.  No one is stopping me here. Its just me. No one is judging me at the gym. They are too busy working out to even notice me. I want to buy smaller clothes, I want to like my reflection in the mirror, I want my muscles back and more than anything, I just want to have my confidence back. I don't think my love of working out and running will come back over night, but I am going to do everything I can to get back into it and make it a habit again.

I am so ready to start crossing these disappointments off my list. I am not in the shape I used to be and that's ok.  There is no better time to start over than now.

Just Do It!

Jess

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