October 3, 2012

Erasing the "If"

While I was pinning away earlier on Pinterest, I saw this picture. "I miss your smile, but I miss mine more." This really caught my attention.  I suppose this goes back to one of my disappointments - Letting my happiness rely on others.

I do this a lot and not just with people.  My happiness is always reliant on things happening -  getting a new car, getting a new job, getting a text from someone, seeing certain people.  I would be happy if...

It's that if, that big fat if.  If this happens, then I'll be happy. If I could just lose weight, I would be happy.  If I could just have more friends, I would be happy.  If I this person would just text me, I would be happy. Oh boy, I hate that big fat if.

Lately, I find myself relying on one specific person for my source of happiness. I find myself happy when he is texting me, happy when he is with me.  But when he can't hang out and ignores me for days on end, I get irritated, annoyed and pretty bitter about it.  I am sitting here wishing he could just read my mind, like me the way I like him and want to talk and see me.

So, today when I saw this pin, it struck a chord with me.  I miss his smile, I miss texting him, I miss everything about him.  But the more I sit around and miss him, the more I lose my smile and my happiness.  For too long, I have allowed my happiness and sparkle completely rely on him.  Every day I get a little more irritated by this and each day, I find a little more courage to walk away from him and say enough is enough.

Maybe letting go is the right thing to do.  Maybe I need to learn to just let things be and know everything happens for a reason.  If he and I are supposed to work out, it will work out.  If I can't be happy without him, how will I ever be happy with him? I am ready to be happy all on my own, happy with where I am at in life and happy about all of the things I have achieved.  I may not have a long list of accomplishments in 2012 so far, but in life, I sure have a lot to be proud of.  There are plenty of other guys out there that will like me for me and will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I am ready to erase the "if". I want to be able to say "I am happy".  No if, ands or buts about it.  Just plain happy.  Being happy is a state of mind, not a destination.  You can choose to be happy, heck, I can choose to be happy if I want to.

Soon enough, I will be able to erase the "if".  Maybe not right this second, but every day I am making progress.  Then again, I am striving for progress, not perfection.

Jess

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