October 17, 2012

Enjoying Today

I didn't make it to the gym yesterday.  Instead, I met an old friend that I have been avoiding for two years.  Yes, I avoided seeing a good friend for two whole years. Why?  As ridiculous as it sounds, I am so disappointed in myself for how I look and the weight I have gained that I was too embarrassed to let him see me like that.  I always assume people will judge me and look down upon me for the fact I have stopped running and gained weight. 

What I am beginning to realize is that these are my own insecurities and assumptions.  If someone is really my friend and loves me for who I am, they are not going to judge me for a 20 lb weight gain.  Thankfully, my friend is a true friend and I did not feel judged at all.  He told me I looked great, my outfit was super cute and that he missed seeing me.  Not one time did he say anything about my running or my weight.

I let my career, my running and my weight completely define who I am as a person.  Since I have stopped running and gained weight, I feel like I have lost a sense of self, wondering who I am if  I don't run and stay in shape.  I forget all the other things that SHOULD define who I am as a person like being nice, a good listener, honest, funny, hard working, dedicated.  I am a daughter, sister, friend, pet owner, Christian, coffee addict, a lover of life. These are the thing that should define me.  When I stop being a good friend or a bad sister, when I am mean and say hurtful things, those are the things I should be disappointed in. 

Running is a hobby. My weight is just my appearance.  Although they both mean a great deal to me, they should not hold me back from seeing friends and family.

I am sad to report I did not make it to the gym as I hoped but am happy I met with an old friend.  We grabbed some Thai food and chatted about old times, caught up with one another.  We watched a movie and just had a chill night.  I didn't check my phone, update twitter or Facebook   I disconnected from the world and just enjoyed being with a friend, enjoying his company and conversation.  

It was nice.  For those few hours, I didn't worry about what I looked like or how I missed my workout.  I am beginning to realize, the less I worry and stress about things, the more I am able to live in the moment and just simply enjoy life.  When I am constantly worrying and over thinking  I am never present.  My mind is off wondering what will happen next, will they ever want to hang out again, do they think I look bad?  Honestly, I tend to forget how good life really is and how thankful I am for everything I have.  

Sometimes I wish I could just tell my mind to SHUT UP and QUIT already.  Gets me into trouble and makes me miss what is actually going on. I have lost many friendships because of my own insecurities and I can't lose anymore.

Last night was great.  I hope to have many more nights that are simply enjoyable and worry free. I am working on myself, getting back into running and getting in shape.  But in the mean time, its ok for me to enjoy life and live a little.  I need to quit waiting for everything to be perfect in order for me to love myself and love the life I have.  Slowly learning how good I have it and how thankful I am for the things I do have and the things that do define me.  Love yourself, be happy and work your butt off, and everything else will fall into place :)

Jess

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