October 30, 2012

Confidence Comes From Within

Yesterday was hellish, but I ended the day on a good note.  I had a good talk with my trainer and someone anonymously left a comment on here that really made a light bulb go off in my head.

I was being pretty hard on myself yesterday.  One thing after another, everything was going wrong.  Thankfully, I was able to finish work on time to go down and meet with my trainer.  She kicked my butt as usual.  After we were finished, I asked her, why the heck am I not losing weight?  Why is it that I can workout for 90+ minutes a day, drink a ton of water and eat fairly healthy and gain weight? It literally doesn't make sense.  She laughed at me. She said it is not unusual for someone who went from never working out to working out daily to gain weight.  My body is building muscle faster than it is burning off the fat.  Muscle weighs more than fat.  She told me to take my scale over to my Mom's house and to not weigh myself until the middle of December.  She also mentioned that my body is in shock from working out, but the weight will eventually come off.  So for now, she told me to gauge my weight based on a pair of pants and shirt and also based on how I feel.  She then asked me, "How do you feel when you exercise?".  I told her I feel on top of the world.  She then pointed at me and said, "That's why you shouldn't quit!".  Workout because it makes you feel good and is good for you, not for specific results.  Results will come in time, but for now, just enjoy feeling on top of the world.

That talk made me feel a lot better.  When I got back to my car after my workout, I had a bunch of text messages and an awesome comment on my blog.  I have no idea who posted the comment yesterday, but whoever you are, thank you so much.  The comment started off with:

"The weight didn't cause your insecurity and unhappiness. More than likely the weight came FROM those insecurities and unhappiness."

This got me thinking.  Was I insecure before I gained weight and stopped running?  My mind instantly flashed back to a time in high school.  I remember babysitting and I saw a scale in the kids bathroom.  The scale read 122 lbs.  I was 5'8 and weighed 122 lbs.  I remember thinking, holy crap I need to get on a diet.  Even when I was at one of my lowest weights, I was insecure with that number.  And I remember when I stopped running, I started hanging out with a coworker who was completely insecure about her weight and she slowly gained 80 lbs during our short friendship.  The more I hung out with her, the more I went out to eat and joined her pity parties.  

I am beginning to realize I have never been secure with myself.  To be honest, I think it stems from feeling like I have NO IDEA WHO THE HECK I REALLY AM.  Over the last month, I feel more myself than I ever have before.  I am realizing I am a good person, I deserve more than I think I do, I have hobbies, I am worth it.  

I am also beginning to realize I view myself differently than others.  I can't even tell you how many people tell me I am beautiful and pretty I am.  Also, many people tell me I am not as big as I think I am.  In my mind, I am obese.  I am slowly realizing that I am really hard on myself.  I am constantly comparing myself to how I used to look, not realizing that a few added pounds isn't the end of the world.  I am still me with or without these 20 pounds.  Also, losing 20 lbs isn't going to make me happy.  If I am not happy right now, losing weight isn't going to change any of that.  

As I got to the end of this person's comment, it read:

"I hope the confidence you gain from weight loss is the confidence of accomplishment, knowing you can do anything you put your mind to, knowing how strong of a person you are. And the fact you also end up looking amazing? Simply an added bonus" 

Even reading that now makes me cry.  This person hit the nail on the head.  Confidence comes from within, losing weight isn't going to instantly make me confident.  But recognizing my accomplishment, knowing I am capable of anything I want to do and that I am a strong person, that  is where confidence comes from.  Looking good is an added bonus to my hard work.

So thank you to who ever posted that comment, really changed my thinking last night.  I think I am on the right path, learning to like me for me, learning that confidence comes from liking who you are as a person, not just how you look on the outside.



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