October 31, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

It all counts.  I forget this more often than not.  For the longest time, I didn't want to get back into running because I felt like there was no point in running if I couldn't run my seven minute mile. I saw this quote though:

"Whether its a 14 minute mile or a 7 minute mile. Its still a mile."

A mile is a mile no matter how fast you run it. At the end of the day, it all counts.  I will never be able to run my seven minute mile again if I don't run.  I am going to have to run a 9-10 minute mile for a little bit in order to get my mileage time back down to where I want it.  But for now, every mile I run is getting me one step closer to cutting my time down.  

I have had a couple mediocre workouts lately and I can't help but feel a little discouraged by them.  Good workouts empower me, they feel so good.  Mediocre ones, however, annoy me. I never go to the gym intending on having a mediocre workout.  But, I am reminding myself that any workout is better than not working out at all.  And every mile I run and every weight that I lift is adding up, getting me a little closer to my goal.

Tonight I am working out with my trainer. She always finds my way to kick my butt and inspire me to be better than I was at the previous workout.  She reminds me that I just need to be better than I was yesterday, work a little bit harder and I will see the results I want eventually.  She reminds me that I am a beautiful person and the number on the scale does not define who I am.  It sounds so cheesy, but sometimes its nice to be reminded of it.  She is 65 years old and reminds me every time I see her that she could be my Grandma.  If she can do it, there is no reason I can't.  

Today, this is what is motivating me to get to the gym:

1. I am ready to let go of the anger of letting myself go.
2. Ready to be happy again.
3. I want to be confident in who I am.
4. I want my outside to reflect how I am on the inside.
5. I want to have the confidence to date again.
6. I want my seven minute mile back.
7. I am ready for this part of my life to be a part of the past.
8. I feel sooo good when I workout.
9. I want to see results and feel stronger.

Last, but not least,

10. Every workout counts!


Never Defeated Unless You Give Up

Last night was fairly comical at the gym.  First off, I literally had to drag my butt to the gym.  Hard to find motivation on rainy days, and in Seattle, that's like every day.  Once I got to the gym I felt good, really wanted to get on the treadmill, warm up with some walking and then run.  I hopped on the treadmill and started with an inclined fast paced walk. The more I walked, the more my pants started to slide down.  After pulling them up a million and one times, I decided to stop the treadmill and tie them really tight.  By that time I was so annoyed, I just decided it was time to run.  Well the tie didn't help and I realized I was flashing my pink thong to the entire gym.  Cute, right? So, treadmill was out. I figured the bike would be safe, pants can't fall down if I am sitting down, right?  I hop on the bike and literally every single person around me gets off their machine and goes to a different machine.  Ok, weird.  For the entire time I was on the bike, people would hop on the machine next to me then instantly get off and go elsewhere.  Ok, what the heck? Do I smell????  I checked, and I am fairly confident that I didn't smell! But, pretty comical to say the least.

I did my cardio and lifted weights, but I was completely distracted the entire time.  As annoying as it was, I was just thankful that I went to the gym and continued to workout even though no one in the entire gym wanted to be within 20 feet of me.  Days like yesterday, you can't help but feel a little defeated.  Nothing I did went the way I wanted it to go, but hey, that's life I suppose.

But then I remembered, you are never really defeated unless you give up.  Some workouts are going to be better than others and some workouts are going to completely suck. But the only thing that matters is that I still worked out. I still completed a workout and a hard workout at that!  And that, my friends, I can be proud of.

You know, there are a lot of things I want in life.  I have goals for myself, things I want to accomplish, but loving myself and being happy is at the top of the list.  Getting my butt in shape and running again, that makes me happy.  I want this so bad.  Sometimes thinking about it will literally make me so angry because I want it THAT bad.  People always tell me "Don't give up yet".  Yet? Hell.  I am never giving up.  I have given up so many times before that it makes me sick to even think about it.  Giving up has got me to where I am today.  I have wasted too much time being miserable and hating myself and frankly, it is not a fun way of living.   I know what it is like to be miserable and hate everything about yourself.  I am ready to know what it feels like to love the person I am, love what I see in the mirror and just be happy with who I am. I just can't live another day being unhappy, I just refuse to do it.

I have never wanted something so much.  I don't know why it makes me angry even thinking about it, you would think it would make me happy to think about it.  But, I think I am angry at the fact I have deprived myself of happiness for way too long and I just don't ever want to go back there. I am angry I let myself go.  I am angry at the fact that I don't like myself even though I know there are so many things about me that are likable.

I think all this anger is what drives me to want this so bad.  But being angry isn't healthy.  I hope eventually, I can let this anger go and just be free.  Whats past is past, I can't go and change the past two years but I can make changes going forward.

The harder I work towards my goal, I think I will eventually be able to let go of this anger.  Also, reminding myself today that any workout is better than no workout and there is no such thing as defeat unless we give up.

Happy Halloween!


October 30, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

If I have learned anything so far this week, it is to be nice to myself.  I love this quote.  It is really hard to be happy when someone is constantly being mean to you, kicking you while you're down, including yourself.  If I sit around and tell myself how awful I look and what not, how in the hell am I supposed to be happy and feel good about myself?  If someone else said half the things I say to myself, I can tell you I would NEVER talk to those people and I would not allow them to be a part of my life.  So why do I allow myself to say these things about myself?

So from this point forward, I am going to promise to be nice to myself.  I tell everyone else in my life to focus on the positive things in life, think about what they are thankful for and to never dwell on the negative.  That, my friend, is fabulous advice.  I need to take that advice too.

To kick off being nice to myself, I am going to go to the gym tonight.  I will focus on how good I feel and how much I enjoy working out and I am going to try and avoid thinking about my appearance.  I also think it is important for me to set up other goals for myself.  My current goal is to lose weight and feel attractive again, but that will come with working out and eating better.  The more I focus on that, the more I lose sight of everything else that is going on.  Maybe my goals need to be things like: doing an extra 15 mins of cardio a day, drinking all my water, walking my dogs a few extra minutes.  Goals need to be things I can actually achieve, and in the process I will feel better about myself and that in itself will make me feel more attractive.  The weight will come off eventually, but that can't be my main goal.  The weight coming off is the reward of accomplishing all of these other goals. I am going to spend time coming up with goals that will benefit me and my happiness.

Today, this is what is motivating me to get my buns to the gym:

1. I didn't really do any cardio yesterday, need to do some today.
2. I feel better about myself when I workout.
3. I really want to be able to run further without my body hurting.
4. We still take Santa pictures every year, and I really want to feel good in the picture.
5. I just want to feel good again, extra weight really weighs you down.
6. I want to feel confident.
7. I want to achieve all the goals I set for myself.
8. I want to see results.
9. Working out is doing something nice for myself.
10. I feel literally on top of the world after a work out.

Last but not least,

11. I learn a lot about myself with every workout.


Confidence Comes From Within

Yesterday was hellish, but I ended the day on a good note.  I had a good talk with my trainer and someone anonymously left a comment on here that really made a light bulb go off in my head.

I was being pretty hard on myself yesterday.  One thing after another, everything was going wrong.  Thankfully, I was able to finish work on time to go down and meet with my trainer.  She kicked my butt as usual.  After we were finished, I asked her, why the heck am I not losing weight?  Why is it that I can workout for 90+ minutes a day, drink a ton of water and eat fairly healthy and gain weight? It literally doesn't make sense.  She laughed at me. She said it is not unusual for someone who went from never working out to working out daily to gain weight.  My body is building muscle faster than it is burning off the fat.  Muscle weighs more than fat.  She told me to take my scale over to my Mom's house and to not weigh myself until the middle of December.  She also mentioned that my body is in shock from working out, but the weight will eventually come off.  So for now, she told me to gauge my weight based on a pair of pants and shirt and also based on how I feel.  She then asked me, "How do you feel when you exercise?".  I told her I feel on top of the world.  She then pointed at me and said, "That's why you shouldn't quit!".  Workout because it makes you feel good and is good for you, not for specific results.  Results will come in time, but for now, just enjoy feeling on top of the world.

That talk made me feel a lot better.  When I got back to my car after my workout, I had a bunch of text messages and an awesome comment on my blog.  I have no idea who posted the comment yesterday, but whoever you are, thank you so much.  The comment started off with:

"The weight didn't cause your insecurity and unhappiness. More than likely the weight came FROM those insecurities and unhappiness."

This got me thinking.  Was I insecure before I gained weight and stopped running?  My mind instantly flashed back to a time in high school.  I remember babysitting and I saw a scale in the kids bathroom.  The scale read 122 lbs.  I was 5'8 and weighed 122 lbs.  I remember thinking, holy crap I need to get on a diet.  Even when I was at one of my lowest weights, I was insecure with that number.  And I remember when I stopped running, I started hanging out with a coworker who was completely insecure about her weight and she slowly gained 80 lbs during our short friendship.  The more I hung out with her, the more I went out to eat and joined her pity parties.  

I am beginning to realize I have never been secure with myself.  To be honest, I think it stems from feeling like I have NO IDEA WHO THE HECK I REALLY AM.  Over the last month, I feel more myself than I ever have before.  I am realizing I am a good person, I deserve more than I think I do, I have hobbies, I am worth it.  

I am also beginning to realize I view myself differently than others.  I can't even tell you how many people tell me I am beautiful and pretty I am.  Also, many people tell me I am not as big as I think I am.  In my mind, I am obese.  I am slowly realizing that I am really hard on myself.  I am constantly comparing myself to how I used to look, not realizing that a few added pounds isn't the end of the world.  I am still me with or without these 20 pounds.  Also, losing 20 lbs isn't going to make me happy.  If I am not happy right now, losing weight isn't going to change any of that.  

As I got to the end of this person's comment, it read:

"I hope the confidence you gain from weight loss is the confidence of accomplishment, knowing you can do anything you put your mind to, knowing how strong of a person you are. And the fact you also end up looking amazing? Simply an added bonus" 

Even reading that now makes me cry.  This person hit the nail on the head.  Confidence comes from within, losing weight isn't going to instantly make me confident.  But recognizing my accomplishment, knowing I am capable of anything I want to do and that I am a strong person, that  is where confidence comes from.  Looking good is an added bonus to my hard work.

So thank you to who ever posted that comment, really changed my thinking last night.  I think I am on the right path, learning to like me for me, learning that confidence comes from liking who you are as a person, not just how you look on the outside.


October 29, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

I would like to think that everyone is a little insecure about something about themselves.  I just have to believe I am not the only one that feels this way about myself.  I could write a very long list about all of the things I dislike about myself. I am learning to love who I am as a person, but sometimes I just don't feel like the person I am on the inside is reflected on the outside.

I just am ready to have the body I am working for, ready to leave these insecurities behind and move on.  But it gets me thinking, is anyone ever fully satisfied with the way they look and feel?  Am I always going to feel like there is room for improvement?  I am really trying to avoid saying "I'll be confident and happy when I have the body I want" because I feel like that may never come.  I am a perfectionist, I want to look perfect and be perfect.  But, does perfect even exist? If I hold off being confident until I have the perfect body, I think I will be holding off forever because there is no such thing as perfect.  I am always going to want to be better, and I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing as long as I can be happy and confident with myself no matter what I look like.

I have good and bad days lately.  Some days I feel so incredibly good and really feel like I look better, but other days, I feel huge.  I made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning. Sure, I didn't gain weight, but I definitely didn't lose weight either.  I am still six pounds up from where I was a month ago before I started working out consistently.  It makes me want to scream.  What the heck am I doing wrong?! I am working my butt off every day and I am starting to see certain muscles I couldn't see before.  I just get so fixated on the fact I want instant results.  It took a long time for me to get to where I am now, its not going to just go away overnight.  And in the meantime, hating myself and feeling ashamed of the fact I let myself go isn't helping me.  No matter what I look like, I am still Jess. I am the same person, no matter what I look like.  That brings me a little comfort.  People who like me for who I am and what I am about, they will not care what I look like on the outside.  And...If I like myself for who I am and what I am about, I will be able to have confidence still.  I think I have always thought that being confident was all about how you carry yourself physically.  But I am slowly learning that confidence comes from within and radiates out.  A girl who is confident with who she is as a person, she tends to look confident on the outside.

I think you get to the point you are so incredibly sick of feeling unattractive and weighed down that you just want it gone...like NOW. Just have to remind myself to be patient.  I will get to my goal eventually, but it is going to take time whether I like it or not. Giving up just isn't an option.

Today, this is what is getting my butt to the gym:

1. I hate feeling fat.
2. I want to feel attractive again.
3. I am way to young to let myself go.
4. I like running, I want to be able to run more.
5. I want to throw away my fat clothes and fit into all my old clothes.
6. I want to be able to date, and feel confident doing so.
7. I want to be confident in myself.
8. I want to be less stressed and more at ease about things.
9. Mad I skipped my workout yesterday, not doing that again today.
10. If I want results to come faster, I need to work harder.
11. I refuse to see the same number on the scale next time I step on it.
12. I want my family to be proud.
13. I hate being the biggest sibling.
14. I just want to feel good finally.

Last but not least,

15. I want this so bad that it literally makes me angry sometimes.  I refuse to live like this anymore.


Worry Solves Nothing

Worry. I am really good at worrying. I worry and over analyze every situation I am ever in.  This worry literally consumes me at times and will make me sick.

I have my annual doctors exam next week.  I get so worried about going to the doctor.  I get so nervous that they are going to tell me something is wrong that I can literally convince myself I am dying.  Every time I get sick or even get a cold, I think it is cancer or something that is going to kill me.  The thought of having to go to the doctor next week literally gives me a headache.

The more I worry and stress myself out, the more my OCD comes out.  My OCD is the worst at night.  The process of going to bed takes me almost two hours.  I check to make the door is locked about a million times, I check to make sure the pillows are fluffed just right, my shoes have to be in the perfect position.    I go to the bathroom honestly like 20 times before bed in fear of having to get up in the middle of the night.  If I get a bad thought while I am in the process of doing these stupid rituals, I have to completely start over.

I even stress about my nail polish color.  Sounds so ridiculous.  I pick my nail color by the name of the polish.  The name has to be happy, nothing negative.  And if I have a bad day wearing a certain polish, I will never ever ever wear it again.  WHO DOES THIS?  I really want to go get a bright red polish today, but the thought of a new color literally consumes me with stress.  So stupid, yet I can't convince myself its ok to just buy whatever color I like.

The more I stress and worry, the worse all this gets.  All of my exercising has really helped lower my stress levels.  I have become really good at finding solutions to the things that worry me so I can stop stressing.  But this week, this doctors appointment has me all out of whack.  I am ready for next week to be over.  All of these rituals consume my life, it should never take someone two hours to go to bed.

I currently have no solution to this stress about this doctors appointment.  I have no reason to stress.  There is nothing I can do between now and next week that will impact the outcome of my doctors appointment.  If I am healthy, I am healthy, if somethings wrong, then I will figure it out then.  Just wish I could forget about it until then.  No point in stressing about something that isn't even here yet.

Just venting my frustrations, sometimes I wish I could just not worry and just be happy and thankful for today.  Worry solves nothing, just makes us miserable in the meantime.


Weekend in Review

I had a pretty good weekend.  I made it to the gym Friday night and Saturday morning.  Lately at the gym, I feel like I avoid the treadmill.  I hate the fact I can't run like I used to so I tend to just not run at all.  If I can't run fast and run a long distance, then I feel like whats the point?  But, this weekend was different.  I made it a point to conquer the treadmill.

I can't expect to be a good runner again if I avoid running.  No matter how much time I spend on the bike or the elliptical, it isn't going to turn me into a runner.  I decided to start with an inclined, fast walk.  It took me a few miles before I got the courage to run.  Running felt so natural.  I wasn't running a 7 minute mile, but I ran and it felt good.  I thought I would become winded really fast and have to walk, but I was able to watch an entire show before feeling like I was ready to stop.

My body didn't forget how to run and my body remembered how good it feels.  My muscles aren't used to running, so my knees and shins started to hurt eventually.  I am working with my trainer to strengthen specific muscles so I can be sure I avoid injury this time around.  I did a really strong chest/back workout Friday night and worked on my legs and abs on Saturday.  My entire body is still sore from this weekend and it feels SO good.  My lower abs hurt every time I move or laugh, but it reminds me how hard I worked out this weekend.

I also wore my new workout outfit to the gym.  I was pretty nervous to wear my new pants because they were skin tight, but surprisingly, I got a ton of compliments on how cute they were. My body is slowly evolving and it feels so good.

Sunday, however, I skipped the gym.  I went to my Mom's house with my dogs with every intention of going for a run.  My Mom and I took my dogs on a long hilly walk and I did some squats and sit ups while she cooked dinner.  Although I didn't make it to the gym,  I was happy I still got in some sort of physical activity.

Overall, it was a good weekend.  Happy I am exercising and making it a part of my daily routine.


October 27, 2012

Happy Saturday!

Life is good! Kicked butt at the gym this morning :) Feeling good.

October 26, 2012

Happy Friday!

New workout outfit....and my baby girls, Mia and Sadie.
Happy Friday!

Gym Motivation of the Day

"The only person you should be better than, is the person you were yesterday."

I think most girls, heck maybe even guys too, we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others.  Yesterday, I found myself on the bike, just staring at all the girls in the gym.  "If I could look like her, I would be so happy".  Just wanting what others have, feeling less of a person since I don't look like the fit girls at the gym.  I find myself even comparing myself to my coworkers with this workout/water challenge.  Only wanting to increase my workout time in order to beat them, not because I want to for myself.

The more I sit around and compare myself to others, the more down about myself I get.  But the truth is, I will never look just like the girls at the gym, because I am not them.  Everyone has different body shapes and sizes.  I am 5'8 with curves and I will never be a size zero, my body just isn't built that way.  So sitting on a bike comparing myself to a girl who is 5'1 is so incredibly ridiculous.  

I love this quote above.  Just compare yourself to who you were the day before.  Comparing yourself to others is such a waste of time because it is unrealistic and just  makes you feel worse about yourself.  I really need to work on this.  

But, in order to be better than I was yesterday, I have to do something beneficial for myself.  On my lunch break, I finally bought new running capris and a new top.  For the first time in a very long time, I bought skin tight pants.  There is no flare below the knee or any bagging in the butt.  They are skin tight and I actually felt really good in them.  I also bought a tighter top, no more baggy gross shirts at the gym.  I want to feel good about myself, even when I am dripping in sweat at the gym.  

Tonight, I will be going to the gym in my new outfit, then coming home and watching Parent Trap :) . Low key evening so I can make it to the gym in the morning.  

Today, this is what is motivating me to get my buns to the gym:

1. I can't wait to be able to buy even cuter workout clothes, maybe even a pair of shorts!
2. I love the feeling of a good workout after a long day.
3. I loved seeing a little bit of change in my body this morning, want to see even more.
4. My pants are feeling less snug, can't wait to be able to buy a smaller size.
5. I want my Mom to notice my progress and stop nagging me about my weight.
6. The more I workout, the more I want to go to the gym. 
7. I want to continue improving.
8. Today's workout will be my tenth consecutive day working out.
9. Working out helps me clear my mind of all the stress in my life.
10. I want to be a regular at the gym.
11. I am ready for this to be a habit, something I do everyday without even having to think about it.
12. I am sick of making a new years resolution, every stinkin' year, to lose weight.  
13. I want my face and my neck to slim down.
14. I want to feel so good about myself that there is no need to even compare myself to others.

Last but not least, 

15. Working out gives me confidence in myself and helps me realize I am totally fine just the way I am.

Have a good weekend!


Slow Progress is Still Progress

Happy Friday! Barely made it to the gym yesterday. Not sure why, but I got a killer headache yesterday afternoon that I just couldn't get rid of.  I just wanted to stay home and rest, but thought of my blog post yesterday and really didn't want to put my workout off until later.  So, I suited up and went to the gym.  Surprisingly, the second I got to the gym and hopped on the bike, my headache disappeared. I did 35 minutes on the bike and then did a leg workout.  I felt really strong and was happy I pushed myself to go to the gym.

I have been working out consistently for about a month now.  This morning I actually noticed a change in my body.  My shoulders are looking more square, not so round like they were.  I am beginning to be able to actually see my triceps again.  I can see little bits of my old body coming back and it makes all of this work feel so worth it.

Today is casual Friday at work, the only day during the work week that I even put on jeans usually.  I didn't have to wiggle and squirm into my jeans this morning, I was able to put them on like a normal person.  They button without me having to suck it in.  They sit on my waist the way jeans should without my stomach spilling over them.

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me to get to where I want to be, but I love that I can see little bits of progress along the way.  This progress helps keep me motivated and shows that if I stick with it, I will see bigger and better results in the future.  I look forward to see where I am at in a month.

Last Friday, I spent my evening at the gym and felt like a loser in doing so.  Today, however, I actually want to spend my evening at the gym.  I remember how good I felt last Friday and how I was able to get up early Saturday to hit the gym.  I plan on doing the same thing this weekend.  I am realizing that being healthy is a choice, just like being happy is.  I am choosing to be healthy and to make healthier decisions.

I feel good, happy, content and at peace with myself.  So happy I am finally choosing to be healthy and happy.

Happy Friday!


October 25, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

I can't even tell you how many times I have said, "I'll do it tomorrow".  I'll go to the gym tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will eat better.  I will start a diet tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go for a run.  Tomorrow.  And sooner or later 'tomorrow' becomes weeks, months and years.

Why do I always push off what I really want until tomorrow. Why not now? Why not today?  Honestly, there isn't one good reason why I should have put off running, dieting and being happy.

There is no better time than now.  Our time is so limited, so why not make the best of every single second we are blessed with?

I am done putting all of this off.  I am ready to do it now. Today.  I am in the process of forming healthy habits that I can be proud of.  I am planning to workout a little longer than usual tonight! Gotta beat my coworkers, every minute counts!

Today, this is what is motivating me to kick butt at the gym tonight:

1. I am winning in the workout challenge at work and I don't plan on losing.
2. I can't wait to keep this up and see my progress in a couple months.
3. Working out helps me motivate myself to eat better.
4. I feel better after a good workout.
5. I want to see my results.
6. I want to see a lower number on the scale next time I weigh myself.
7. I want to feel comfortable going out with old friends.
8. I am sick of feeling like I am not as good as everyone else.
9. I want to be healthy.
10. I want to make my family proud.
11. I am sick of putting this off and waiting for tomorrow.
12. If I don't treat myself well, how can I expect others to?
13. I want to be able to wear cute tank tops to the gym and feel like I can actually pull it off.
14. I want to enjoy being in pictures with others again, sick of avoiding cameras.

Last but not least,

15. Everyday, I feel like this is becoming more of a habit, and I love it.


Competition = Motivation

I worked out with my trainer after work yesterday.  We did a million squats and a lot of ab work.  I meet with my trainer twice a week for an hour.  I find that on these days, I never get in my cardio. I usually like to do my cardio then switch to weight training.  But with my job, time just doesn't allow for me to sneak it in before I meet with my trainer.  Yesterday, I went home and walked my dogs for 30 minutes, but it just isn't the same.  Next week, my goal is to stay after my training session and get my cardio in.  I just feel so much better after doing cardio.

This morning, I went to go put my water consumption and workout time into my boss and I's tracker.  I noticed that another coworker has joined the competition and she is kicking our butts when it comes to water consumption! Now I need to step up my game! I was able to drink 60 ounces of water yesterday at work.  I just hate that I am running to the bathroom every 20 minutes.  Hopefully my body will adjust to drinking this much water soon.  With my workout and the walk yesterday, I was able to put in 90 minutes for my workout time.  So far, I am beating everyone when it comes to that portion of the competition.  I am hoping to consume three of my 33 ounce water bottles at work today and complete a 120 minute workout tonight.

I have always complained about not having someone to workout with.  Its nice to be able to go to the gym with someone, kind of forces you to go.  Even though my boss and coworker aren't going to the gym with me, I feel like I have this extra fun motivation to get my butt to the gym at night and stay a litter longer than I probably would otherwise.  I usually workout for about 90 minutes everyday, hour of cardio and 30 minutes with weights.  But now, I feel like I want to stay a little bit longer, every minute counts!

I am feeling really good.  Even when I have a bad day lately, I can still be happy about where I am at in my life and how far I have come.  I am working out every day, eating better and just feeling good about the person I am becoming.  I am working hard and 'giving up' isn't even in my vocabulary, not even an option at this point.  I have let go of the toxic people in my life and am choosing to surround myself with people who support me and encourage me to do better.

I refuse to sit around and wait for good things to happen to me anymore.  I want to be in shape.  I want good healthy friendships.  I want to be a runner again.  I want to be happy. I will do anything I can to make sure I achieve everything I want to be.


October 24, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

"Whether it take me a few months or even a few years, I will achieve my goal.  It may come slow, it may come fast, but I will be patient"

I love this. I struggle with being patient.  If I don't see results instantly, then I feel like it's not working.  I can feel my body changing, but I haven't seen it yet.  I am to the point that I want this so incredibly bad for myself that I will keep at it until I achieve my goal.  I don't care how long it takes, because I know if I stick with it, I WILL get there.  Might take months, maybe even years, but I will work my butt off and be patient.

I haven't told too many people in my life what my goals are.  My friends and family don't read this blog.  So, I feel like the support in my life is really lacking. The people I work with know I am working out since I workout with my trainer at the gym in the office.

My boss approached me the other day and asked if I want to do a "Water Challenge".  Track our water intake at work in an excel file.  Who ever has the most amount of ounces listed at the end of the month gets a free coffee from the loser.  This is great for me, because I am not very good at remembering to drink my water.  

Today, she approached me and asked if I want to add working out to our challenge.  One point for every 30 minutes worked out.  I told her I love the idea.  I love competition and if I get a free coffee out of it, I'm all in!  The coolest part was, she told me that I was helping to inspire and motivate her to workout more.  I workout for myself and because it is something I really need to do, but I love that I am able to help motivate someone else along the way.  

Today, this is what is motivating me to get to the gym:

1. I want to beat my boss in our Workout Challenge.
2. I love the feeling I get when I am done with a good workout.
3. It will put me one workout closer to my goal.
4. I need to buy new workout clothes, it would be awesome to buy them in a smaller size.
5. This will put me one step closer to making this a habit.
6. The more I workout, the more I want to eat healthier.
7. I want to feel even stronger.
8. I want to be able to notice a difference in the way my clothes fit me.
9. I want to be able to go even harder at the gym, increase the resistance when doing cardio.
10. I want to be healthier.
11. I want to be confident in myself, feel good about the way I look and feel.
12. I want to enjoy trying clothes on.
13. I want to be able to run like I used to.
14. I like being able to tell my trainer I how hard I workout even when I am not with her.

Last but not least, 

15. I feel happiest when I workout and do something beneficial for myself. 


Haters into Motivators

Yesterday's workout was awesome.  I did 20 minutes on the elliptical and then switched to the bike for 40 minutes.  I pushed myself harder than ever and had a pool of sweat beneath the bike.  It felt so good. My mind was racing while I was on the bike though.  Yesterday ended kind of rough for me.  I was exhausted and grumpy as it was, and then I got a couple emails notifying me of comments on this blog.  "Probably too fat for the guy". "Probably didn't put out enough". Oh, the list could go on.

Thanks for those sweet comments. So kind of you.

I don't share this blog with too many people in my personal life, so I highly doubt these comments are from someone who actually knows me, but they still stung a bit.  I write these blog posts for myself. Heck, I probably read my own blog more than anyone else does.  My blog motivates me and empowers me to work harder, its a good reminder of where I once was and how far I have come.

I have no idea why people say the things they do or behave the way they do, but I can't allow it to affect my progress or happiness.  I am doing so well on my own.  If some guy thought I was too fat or didn't put out enough, screw him, not my problem.  Focusing on myself and learning to like me right now and if someone doesn't like it, totally ok with me.

I walked into the gym last night pretty irritated and was able to walk out with a clear mind and pretty happy.  I can't control the things people say to me, but I can control the way I react.  I don't have to react at all.  I don't have to say something mean back to them, just going to brush it off.

I had an AWESOME workout thanks to those lovely comments.  They fired me up, helped me push through the pain.  When I started this process, I told myself I wouldn't let myself stand in my way anymore and hold me back.

I refuse to hold myself back and I sure as hell am not going to let someone else hold me back.  Turning haters into motivators!


October 23, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

I worked out with my trainer last night.  Felt strong and my trainer noticed that my strength has improved.  We did a lot of squats, pushups and a good ab workout.  I was hoping to make it to the gym to do some cardio, but I decided to take my dogs for a walk in the rain instead.

My coworkers are doing a Mustache Dash in a month.  It is a 5K, yet, I said no.  Too terrified to run with people.  What if they are faster? What if I can't keep up?  Disappointed I said no, hoping I will have the confidence to do a race with them soon.

Today, the motivation is majorly lacking. I am totally exhausted and my coffee is not kicking in.  Plus, I have a 60+ minute commute home from work today.  Also...sorry guys, plug your ears...Auntie Flow came for her monthly visit.  My body feels tired and weak and I just want to sit on the couch and eat Cheetos and chocolate. I really don't want to go to the gym, but I really can't afford to miss a week at the gym every month.  If I want this to be a lifestyle and a habit, I need to suck it up even if I struggle.

So, I will be going to the gym whether I like it or not.  I am sure at some point tonight I will end up on the couch with chocolate in my pajamas.  But, I will feel a lot less guilty about eating chocolate if I sneak in a workout.

Today, this is what is motivating me to get to the gym:

1. I will feel less guilty about eating chocolate on the couch tonight after a workout.
2. I am sick of feeling like the biggest person in every group I am in.
3. I want people to believe me when I say I am a runner.
4. I want to feel good.
5. I want this to be a habit.
6. I am ready to think I look good.
7. I want to love myself more than I currently do.
8. I want to feel comfortable in my yoga pants.
9. I want to feel tighter, less jiggly.
10. I want to feel ok wearing loose tops and not feel like they make me look fatter.
11. I want to be able to wear dresses and not feel like my knees are super fat.
12. I am sick of feeling like I am not worth a guys time because I have gained weight.
13. I want to be able to run longer and faster.

Last but not least,

14. Next time someone asks me to run a race with them, I want to have the confidence to say yes.

**So many negative comments on my blog today.  If you have nothing nice to say, please just don't say anything.  I write for personal reflection and to help motivate myself.  I love having others read the blog and love everyone's support.  If you don't like my blog, its ok with me, just please don't flood my page with negative comments. Thanks.


October 22, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

Today has been rough.  Nothing went as planned, so I am just rolling with the punches.  Days like this get  my adrenaline going and make me just want to run far away.

I am counting down the minutes until I get to go to the gym and work off this awful day.  The cool thing is, days like this help me realize a change within myself.  Weeks ago, a bad day was just a good excuse to eat lots of junk food and drink a glass of wine.  But today, I don't feel like eating junk food, I feel like pushing myself in the gym.

Slowly, I am discovering who I am and how strong I am.  Each day, I learn a little bit more about myself and I am liking who I am becoming.

Today, this is what is motivating me to get to the gym:

1. I'm having a ridiculously irritating day, ready to kick the gym's butt.
2. I love the way my body and mind feel after a good workout.
3. There are super hot guys at the gym in the evenings.
4. I feel better about myself when I workout.
5. I need to blow off some steam.
6. Going to the gym is my way of doing something beneficial for myself.
7. The gym is more productive than eating my feelings away at home.
8. I want to sweat and feel the burn.
9. I am ready for my pants to feel less snug.
10. When my clothes become loose, I will have a great excuse to go shopping.
11. I want to be able to wear more jackets without them feeling so tight in the shoulders.
12. I want to feel attractive.
13. Running makes me happy.
14. I can't wait to prove my family wrong and show them that I did it.

Last but not least,

15. Each workout helps me learn to love myself even more and helps me be content all on my own.


I Like Who I am Becoming

What a fabulous weekend. This was the first weekend in months that I haven't gone on a date or had company over.  I kind of thought I would feel a little lonely and depressed, but surprisingly, I felt the opposite.  Free, empowered, on top of the world and best of all, happy.

Friday night, I had a hot date with the gym.  I did about an hour of hard cardio and sweat my butt off! Then I did some weight training.  I have never spent a Friday evening at the gym and to be honest, I thought it was going to be a bunch of single losers without dates.  But, I was so wrong.  I was surrounded by a bunch of motivated individuals that wanted to get a workout in before their evening plans.  I was home from the gym by 8 pm. I could have easily gone to the gym and still have time to go out with friend, if I would have wanted.  I tend to feel that I have to choose between going to the gym and having a social life. Showering and getting ready takes me forever, so I feel like I can't do both.  But, I proved to myself on Friday that I can do both if I choose. I spent the rest of the evening at home with my dogs watching Shark Tank and was in bed by 10 pm.  Loved it.

Saturday, I was up and at the gym by 7:30.  I was the first one to the gym, suppose that is one of the perks of staying in on a Friday night.  I felt SO strong and so powerful that morning.  My body just kept going and going and didn't give out on me.  I did an hour of cardio and did an intense arm and back workout.  So intense that I am STILL sore from it.  Back when I was at my peak of working out, I used to get up every Saturday morning and hit the gym. It just feels good to start your day out with a workout.  After the gym, I walked my dogs and showered.  Met up with some friends and grabbed lunch.  My bestie and I hit the mall afterwards and we went to the pumpkin patch.  I was home by 9:30 and in bed by 11:30.  Just kind of feels good to be home and in bed at a decent time.

I woke up Sunday at 9.  I had every intention of getting up, hitting the gym then visiting my Mom.  My Mom said she felt like she was coming down with a cold, so that changed my plans.  I did laundry and deep cleaned my apartment.  I didn't get to the gym until 3:30.  I was yawning all the way to the gym, yawning on the elliptical.  I just wasn't feeling it.  I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and did a short legs workout.  Some workouts are better than others, this one just wasn't my strongest workout.  I ended the evening at home with my dogs in front of the fire.

I just felt happy this weekend and I can't really remember ever being as happy as I was this weekend.  Just at peace with myself, content, relaxed and at ease.  I did what I wanted to do, no one influenced my decisions.  I don't have to have a date or be with people constantly to have fun, I can be perfectly ok all on my own. I put my scale away and I just feel so much better than I did before. My clothes still fit the same, but I can feel my body changing and getting tighter and stronger.  I just really like the person I am becoming.

I had a great weekend and I am proud of myself for making it a priority to workout every day over the weekend.  I am feeling really good, better than I have felt in a very long time.


October 21, 2012

October 19, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

Happy Friday everyone! On a typical Friday night, I am usually out and about, either shopping or visiting friends. The thought of sitting at home or staying in on a Friday night is awful.  That is usually my last resort.

I love this quote. If you want something you have never had, the you have to do something you have never done. Well, tonight, I am doing something I have never done.

I will be spending my Friday evening at the gym. I haven't been in shape in a very long time. I have to make sacrifices and do things I don't typically do in order to achieve my goal.  I highly doubt I will do this every Friday, but I am happy that I am going to do this tonight.

Waking up this morning and discovering I had gained 6 pounds made me want to quit, give up because clearly I am not losing weight like I had hoped.  It takes 21 days to form a habit and I need   this to be a habit.  Instead of letting this discourage me, I am going to use it to motivate me.

Today, this is what is motivating me to get my buns to the gym....on a Friday:

1. I technically have no other plans, so the gym is better than sitting at home.
2. Today will put me one step closer to my goal.
3. I actually have been enjoying my time spent at the gym.
4. The gym will be empty, it will be nice.
5. I am ready to be able to see changes in how my clothes fit.
6. I want this to become a habit.
7. I will feel happier after a workout.
8. I am ready to feel comfortable in my own skin.
9. I want to be able to run in shorts.
10. I am sick of feeling big.
11. I want to be able to say I finally did it, finally lost weight.
12. I want running to become easier.
13. I want to feel attractive again.
14. I want to be able to run like I used to.
15. I am sick of having a muffin top.

Last but not least,

16. Next time I step on the scale, I want the number to reflect how I feel.


The Choice is Yours

A couple days ago, I made a list of lessons I have learned on this journey to becoming a better version of myself. I have thought about that list a lot and have decided to add one more.

22. Happiness is a choice. Choose to be happy, everyday.

I absolutely love this one.  I find that I am learning a lot about myself as I attempt to help others improve their lives. In the process, I am learning to listen to my own advice.

I read 'The Secret' a while ago and decided to re-read it about a month ago. I love the idea that you can have anything you want, as long as you attract it.  Thoughts become things.  Like attracts like.  Whenever I want things now, I find myself saying them out loud to myself.  I want to be happy.  I want to be at peace with myself.  I want more money.  I want to be in shape.  I want good, healthy relationships in my life.  I want to be successful.  I make lists of the things I want and keep a vision board.

The key to this idea is, you have to identify the things you want, some things will come to you and others you will have to work for.  I wanted to start working out. The next day after I said that, I got an email with the offer about the personal trainer. I said I wanted good, healthy relationships. The next day I got an email from a friend from high school who wanted to grab coffee and catch up.

I want to be happy.  I find myself making better decisions in order to achieve the level of happiness I am satisfied with.  Everything you want in life is in your hands, you control it.  Thing good things and good things will come your way.  I want good things and good people in my life.  If I am optimistic about the things I want to attract, I will attract those things.

You can have anything you want in life, you just have to choose to have it.  If you are unhappy and miserable, you will attract unhappy and miserable things into your life.  Choose to be happy.  Choose to be thankful for what you do have.  Choose to be successful.  Choose to surround yourself with people who make you better.

Choose what you want and I guarantee you will have everything you want and more.


Learning Patience

Yesterday, my goal at the gym was to conquer the treadmill. The treadmill is like an old friend that you haven't seen in ages.  No matter how much time has gone by, you're able to pick up where you left off as if no time has gone by at all.

I hopped on the treadmill, tuned into the Seahawk's game and just ran.  It was a slow and short run, but I still ran.  I wasn't able to run as fast or as far as I used to, but my mind and body felt right at home.  I finished my cardio by doing 40 minutes on the elliptical. I won't lie, the workout felt good, but I was so distracted by other things going on that I didn't work out to my full abilities. Letting others effect my mood...again.  But, happy I made it to the gym and worked out.  Today will be better, I will leave the distractions at home.

I've been working really hard. Working out daily, walking my dogs more, exercising in front of the TV at night, drinking lots of water and trying to eat better. I decided to hop on the scale this morning. Up 6 lbs. WHAT?!  Not going to lie, every time I start working out and making an effort, I feel like I gain weight which then discourages me from ever going back to the gym.  I know this is because my body is adjusting and I might be gaining muscle faster than I am losing fat, but it still sucks.

So for now, my scale is going far far away.  I think it is important to be aware of your weight, but you should not live for the number. I am making healthy decisions and I need to keep reminding myself to be patient.  Results are not going to come overnight, they happen after a long period of hard work.  I need to learn to be patient and be proud of my progress. Results WILL come eventually.

Eventually, I will pull my scale out of storage and hope for better results. But for now, I will track my progress based on how strong I feel, how my clothes fit and how happy I am.


October 18, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

 Oh boy, ain't that the truth! I have been telling myself "I'll go to the gym tomorrow" for two years now.  Had I actually gone to the gym when I said I would, I would probably be to my goal already.

I absolutely refuse to be in this spot next year or even next week or next month. Time goes by whether we like it or not, but what we do within  that time is completely up to us.

Enough is enough. I am so sick and tired of feeling like this and complaining about the way I feel. It's done and over. Every day I will improve. With each day that goes by, I am going to get stronger both mentally and physically and I am never going to quit.

For the first time since I started working out, I am not battling any excuses. I genuinely want to be at the gym tonight. I want to sweat and I want to feel my muscles burning.  Working out makes me feel really good, so why not do it? There is no reward for sitting at home and cleaning, but there is a reward with working out.

Today, this is what is motivating me:

1. I feel better after a workout.
2. I already feel stronger, I am ready to feel even stronger.
3. There is no better time than now.
4. I want to fit into my snow jacket.
5. I want my clothes to fit a little more loose.
6. I want to sweat.
7. I want to be able to tell my trainer I worked out really hard.
8. I want to feel proud of myself.
9. I want to be healthier.
10. I am sick of feeling like a blob.
11. I am ready to BURN my Spanx
12. I want to enjoy trying clothes on.
13. I want to be able to buy a bikini next summer...and wear it.
14. I am sick of holding myself back and feeling like I don't deserve to feel good.
15. I deserve to feel good, to look good and to be happy.

Last but not least,

16. I want this for myself so bad it hurts.


Proud of Who I am Becoming

I woke up this morning feeling so motivated and strong. I had a great workout with my trainer yesterday.  We did a million lunges and shoulder presses.  After that, we did a 20 minute ab workout.  Yesterday was the first time I really felt stronger.  My abs feel so much tighter than they did last week.  I can't see my abs yet, but oh my, they are definitely there.

I had a good talk with my trainer after we worked out. My trainer is a 62 year old feisty British woman who is in insane shape.  She looked at me in the eyes yesterday and told me I am way to young to be feeling like this about myself.  I don't even have to say anything to her, she knows how miserable I am and how bad I want this for myself just by looking at me.

I don't usually talk about working out with friends or family. If I fail, I don't want anyone else to know.  I write about it on this blog and tell a couple people, but honestly, that's it.  When she recognized my internal struggle yesterday, it was almost a relief.  She knows what I am battling and she is rooting for me to succeed.  Maybe this is exactly what I need.  Telling people my goals and what I am striving for, that way I have more support and accountability.  Before she left, she told me she would ask me how I did all weekend, how my workouts were, how my eating habits were, so be prepared for it. When Monday rolls around, I want to be able to tell her I had strong workouts, drank a lot of water and ate good healthy meals.

I have so much shame for letting myself go and getting this far off track.  I have admitted my shame and embarrassment to myself, but no one else. I need accountability and support.  I need to get my shame, guilt and all those other awful feelings out in the open that way I can LET THEM GO.  Its time to focus on how well I am doing right now and all of the good choices I am making rather than focusing on all of the awful things that got me to this point.  As easy as it is for me to write that, it is not easy to do.  Just have to keep reminding myself of how well I am doing and be proud of myself for the decisions I am making right now.

So today, I am thankful for the motivation I have and proud of myself for the decisions I am making.  I am proud I have the courage to admit that I have done myself wrong for too long and happy that I am brave enough to step out and make decisions that will have a positive impact on my future.

I am not perfect, I have made mistakes I am not proud of, but I am proud of the choices I am making today and the person I am becoming.


October 17, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

Every time I have tried to get back in shape or try to start running again, I have always doubted myself.  I gave it an honest try, but I never believed I could actually do it.  Thoughts become things. My Debbie Downer thoughts prevented me from achieving my goals.  No one else was holding me back except myself.

This go around though, I feel strong, confident and giving up is not even an option.  I want this bad and I WILL achieve my goal because I KNOW I can do it. This time, I am not "trying", I am "doing". I'm just going to do it until I get where I want to be.

I find the more I workout and the more I work on myself, I find myself becoming more confident.  There are no changes in the way I look yet, heck, I actually have gained 5 lbs since I started working out.  But, I feel better about myself and I feel more deserving of good things. I deserve to reach my goals. I deserve to have a good day.  I am able to take a compliment without brushing it off thinking they are lying to me. I deserve to get in shape.  I work hard and I am deserving.

Today is one of those days where I am tired, pretty hungry and just want to go home and cuddle with my dogs.  But, I am going to workout with my trainer and kick some butt first. My couch is not going to go anywhere, it will still be there if I go workout first. My dogs may miss me, but I will take them on an extra good walk when I get home.  Working out is something I need to do for myself.

This is what is motivating me to get my big buns to the gym today:

1. I am ready to not have to suck in allllllll the time.
2. I just want to be healthy already!
3. If I quit now, I will seriously regret it.
4. There is no better time than right this second to make changes and get in shape.
5. I am ready to pull all of my designer jeans out of storage and actually fit in them.
6. I want to feel light on my toes.
7. I want to feel proud of myself.
8. I want my rings to fit on my fingers again.
9. I hate having to worry about if I look fat in pictures.
10. I want a thinner neck and face again.
11. I want to love myself more and more.
12. I want to lose weight.
13. I want this to be a lifestyle, something I just automatically do.
14. I don't want my new years resolution to be "get in shape", I want to be already on my way.
15. I am starting to annoy myself about complaining about the way I look.
16. Because working out makes me feel really good.

Last but not least,

17. Today will put me one step closer to my goal of making this a habit, loving myself and getting in shape. 

What motivates you?


Life is a Classroom

As I continue reading 'Your Best Year Yet' by Jinny Ditzler, I am moving onto the next step in the book called "What Did I Learn". She mentions that lessons other people need to learn are often more obvious than the lessons we need to learn.  She asks the reader to be a fly on the wall for a little bit, look at your life as an outsider.  If you look at your life with a bit more distance, it may be easier to to see where we are lacking in our own lives and the lessons we can take away from it.

What do you see? What would you like to see? What would you do differently?  What lessons did you learn?  She asks the reader to visualize yourself acting in this new way with all the lessons you have learned about yourself.

"Once you learn a lesson and are demonstrating it in your life, you're given a gift like no other. Nothing can take it away from you."  I have made a list of my accomplishments and my disappointments.  Tried to "weed out" my disappointments in order to make room for growth in my life.  As Jinny Ditzler says, identifying your lessons learned, you are enriching the soil in your garden and changing the climate in which you grow in.  Strange analogy, but it makes sense.

Oddly enough, I really struggled writing this list of 'Lessons Learned'.  I started out by reading through each of my blog posts as an outsider. I was able to pull several lessons just by reading and listening to myself vent. I gave my best effort at being an outsider and looking at my life from someone else's point of view.  Think I did pretty good!

1. Make decisions you can be proud of regardless of what others think.
2. It is OK to say no.
3. Do what you want to do when you want to do it, don't let others dictate what you do.
4. Work hard, do for others, but don't forget to make time for yourself.
5. Step outside your comfort zone every once in a while.
6. Slow down, enjoy this moment.
7. Remember everything you have to be thankful for.
8. It is ok to put yourself and your feelings first.
9. Stop trying to control the uncontrollable.
10. Learn when enough is enough, sometimes walking away is the best thing you can do for yourself.
11. Don't make assumptions.
12. Be happy now, don't wait for things to be perfect.
13. Strive for progress not perfection.
14. Give yourself credit when credit is deserved.
15. Be confident in your abilities.
16. Know your worth, know what you deserve and never settle for less than the best.
17. Thoughts become things.
18. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.
19. Never change in order to impress someone else.
20. Be proud of your accomplishments.
21. Learn to be your own best friend, you will never be alone.

I feel really proud of myself when I look at this list.  These are things I have learned along the way.  I am sure I will soon find many other lessons I can add to this list, but for now, I am proud of the 21 lessons I have learned since I started this journey.

One of the next steps in the book is choosing three of these lessons to focus on.  I will have to decide which three lessons, if followed, will have the greatest impact on my life in the next year.  From there, I will need to begin changing these three lessons into instructions/personal guidelines for the next year of my life.

I am going to really take my time deciding which three lessons to focus on.  I will remember them all, but I need to focus on just a few of them.  Feels good to know I am making changes in my life for the better. Everyday, I feel a little better than the day before. Feeling good right now, so thankful I found this book.


Enjoying Today

I didn't make it to the gym yesterday.  Instead, I met an old friend that I have been avoiding for two years.  Yes, I avoided seeing a good friend for two whole years. Why?  As ridiculous as it sounds, I am so disappointed in myself for how I look and the weight I have gained that I was too embarrassed to let him see me like that.  I always assume people will judge me and look down upon me for the fact I have stopped running and gained weight. 

What I am beginning to realize is that these are my own insecurities and assumptions.  If someone is really my friend and loves me for who I am, they are not going to judge me for a 20 lb weight gain.  Thankfully, my friend is a true friend and I did not feel judged at all.  He told me I looked great, my outfit was super cute and that he missed seeing me.  Not one time did he say anything about my running or my weight.

I let my career, my running and my weight completely define who I am as a person.  Since I have stopped running and gained weight, I feel like I have lost a sense of self, wondering who I am if  I don't run and stay in shape.  I forget all the other things that SHOULD define who I am as a person like being nice, a good listener, honest, funny, hard working, dedicated.  I am a daughter, sister, friend, pet owner, Christian, coffee addict, a lover of life. These are the thing that should define me.  When I stop being a good friend or a bad sister, when I am mean and say hurtful things, those are the things I should be disappointed in. 

Running is a hobby. My weight is just my appearance.  Although they both mean a great deal to me, they should not hold me back from seeing friends and family.

I am sad to report I did not make it to the gym as I hoped but am happy I met with an old friend.  We grabbed some Thai food and chatted about old times, caught up with one another.  We watched a movie and just had a chill night.  I didn't check my phone, update twitter or Facebook   I disconnected from the world and just enjoyed being with a friend, enjoying his company and conversation.  

It was nice.  For those few hours, I didn't worry about what I looked like or how I missed my workout.  I am beginning to realize, the less I worry and stress about things, the more I am able to live in the moment and just simply enjoy life.  When I am constantly worrying and over thinking  I am never present.  My mind is off wondering what will happen next, will they ever want to hang out again, do they think I look bad?  Honestly, I tend to forget how good life really is and how thankful I am for everything I have.  

Sometimes I wish I could just tell my mind to SHUT UP and QUIT already.  Gets me into trouble and makes me miss what is actually going on. I have lost many friendships because of my own insecurities and I can't lose anymore.

Last night was great.  I hope to have many more nights that are simply enjoyable and worry free. I am working on myself, getting back into running and getting in shape.  But in the mean time, its ok for me to enjoy life and live a little.  I need to quit waiting for everything to be perfect in order for me to love myself and love the life I have.  Slowly learning how good I have it and how thankful I am for the things I do have and the things that do define me.  Love yourself, be happy and work your butt off, and everything else will fall into place :)


October 16, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

I love this. The hardest part about working out is making it a habit.  For me, I need to make exercise part of my everyday life, otherwise I won't do it.  I liked when exercising was a top priority for me.

Today I am struggling because I have plans with a friend after work, yet I really want to get to the gym.  Do I hang out with my friend then go to the gym? Gym then friend? When will I have time to shower?

Look at these excuses, I am on a roll! Tonight will be hard, but I am determined to exercise before the day is over.

Today, this is what is motivating me at the gym:

1. At lunch today, a coworker of mine told me I look so much thinner than when I started with the company 7 months ago.  I want more comments like this.
2. I not only want others to notice the change, but I want to notice the change within myself.
3. I want my calves to shrink so I can wear all types of winter boots.
4. I have been talking about getting in shape for two years now, I am ready to say I am IN shape.
5. I want to be addicted to working out again.
6. I want to feel really good about myself.
7. I want to run outside again without being embarrassed of the way I look.
8. I want to run a marathon.
9. I want to be able to say "yes" when someone asks me to go running with them.
10. I am sick of giving up.
11. I want to be one of the 'regulars' at the gym.
12. I  just want to be able to write "getting in shape" as one of my accomplishments next year.
13. I am sick of squeezing into jeans.
14. I want to wear tight clothes and feel good in them.
15. I want to look good in our Christmas pictures.
16. I know I am better than this, I deserve to feel good.
17. I want to be apart of the running community again.


I Still Got It!

I kicked some major butt in the gym yesterday with my trainer. I did more than I honestly thought I could.  I am finding that I am much stronger and powerful than I give myself credit for.  Although my exercise regime has been pretty much nonexistent for the past two years, I still got it!

Part of my fear about getting into the gym again was that I would be so ashamed of how little I could do.  I thought I would be out of breath and exhausted after no time.  I assumed I would  be so incredibly weak.

My body looks different than it did before.  My butt isn't as solid as it used to be and it jiggles when I run.  My stomach isn't as tight as it was before and my calves don't have as much definition.  My strength doesn't come from my body though, it comes from my mind.  I can do whatever I tell myself I can do.  If I think I am going to be out of breath and exhausted, then I probably will be.  But if I think I am going to kick butt and be stronger than ever, then I will be.

Mental strength is key.  I feel like I finally want this for myself. My determination and motivation is bigger than ever.  I am able to push myself beyond the burn and the pain and my muscles are thanking me. Eventually, my body will be as strong as my mind is.

I am learning to give myself a pat on the back when I do a good job and push myself hard.  And yesterday, I gave myself a well deserved pat on the back.


Making Friends With Myself

GuiltGuilt is a feeling that you have done something wrong or bad or let someone down, or the state of having broken a law.

I struggle with guilt more than I struggle with anything else. The root of a majority of my actions is due to the fact I will feel guilty if I don't do certain things.  I am beginning to realize, I feel guilty at the wrong times.  I feel guilty when I make someone upset, when someone doesn't call or text me, when I say no or have to cancel plans, when I feel like I let other people down.  My guilt makes me act like a crazy person.  I will ask you ten million times a day if you are ok and if you are mad at me. I will go out of my way to do anything for everyone else just to make sure everyone is happy and content with me.  Yet, I never feel guilty when I let myself down, when I give up things I want to do in order to please others, when I treat myself poorly, when I allow others to treat me poorly.  When I bail on walking my dogs or a workout, I never feel guilty, because, at least I am making someone else happy.  If someone treats me like dirt, I feel like it is my fault. Ridiculous.

I realized this last night, when the person I was hoping to hang out last night bailed on me.  Oh gosh, what did I do wrong, what should have I said, did I make them upset, oh my, what should I do to fix this?  Someone bailed on me, yet I am taking all of the blame.  I am sitting around feeling bad, feeling guilty...for what? Why am I sitting around beating myself up over something that is so beyond my control?!

The nice thing is, since I have been 100% myself, said what I have needed to say and have done the things I want to do, I can honestly say I did NOTHING wrong.  Feels really good. I didn't sit around and feel sorry for myself last night that someone bailed on me.  Didn't over analyze what I should have, could have, would have done.  There was no guilt because I was myself.  Instead of texting and calling this person trying to figure out what I did wrong,  I worked out with my trainer a little bit longer instead, was able to make a great healthy dinner and spent extra time walking my dogs and enjoying their cuteness.  They may have bailed on me, but I took it as an opportunity to do something nice for myself.  

I am realizing that my company is good company.  If someone bails on me, doesn't want to talk to me, its totally OK.  I am able to be content doing my own thing, keeping myself busy without having to rely on others.

I understand it is going to take more than a couple weeks to completely change and be content with everything life throws my way.  But, I love when I can see myself changing, becoming more at ease and go with the flow, learning to actually love who I am.  

I read a quote once, "If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone".  I am learning to have my own back, be my own friend, rely on myself,  love myself, trust myself and have confidence in the decisions I make.  So go ahead, bail on me...I can promise you, its not going to ruin my day :)


October 15, 2012

Gym Motivation of the Day

For the first time in a long time, I am SO pumped to go workout tonight.  Awesome feeling.  Here is what is motivating me today:

1. I want to fit into my new skinny jeans that I bought - they are a bit snug around my waist.
2. I want to go on a hot date - be able to dress up and feel really good about myself.
3. I want to feel confident running next to a fit girl at the gym.
4. I want to have more confidence.
5. I want to feel like I truly deserve great relationships in my life.
6.  I want to show my family that I actually did what I said I would do.
7.  I want to prove to myself that I can be as good as I once was, if not better.
8.  I am so sick of jackets not fitting me because of my broad shoulders.
9.  I want to wear a tank top to the gym without feeling like I have sausages as arms.
10.  I want to feel good about myself again.
11.  I want to get rid of my muffin top and never, ever, ever see it again.
12.  I want to eventually see my Dad and not feel like I am being judged for my weight.
13.  I want to run a marathon.
14.  I want to see results of my hard work.
15.  I want to be able to wear dresses.
16.  I want to be able to wear high heels and not feel like a cow on stilts.
17.  I want to be so happy with myself that I never settle for less than I deserve.
18.  I am so dang sick of feeling embarrassed by myself.
19.  I want to be healthy.

Last but not least,

20.  I am so sick of being miserable, depressed and disappointed with myself. 

Any Workout is Better Than None

 Working out used to be my drug of choice. It was a high like none other. I used to work out everyday and would slightly panic if other plans interfered with my workouts. Guilt would set in if I didn't make it to the gym.  I was addicted to the adrenalin I got when I would push my body harder and harder.  Someone at the gym once told me that you're not done working out until you literally can't take another step on the treadmill or do another rep.  Walking to your car after the gym should be a struggle, your legs should be jello. I lived by this, I didn't leave the gym until my clothes were drenched in sweat and my legs were shaking.  I loved to push myself and I felt accomplished when I could run a little bit faster, a little bit longer and lift a little more weight. It is a good feeling watching your body change and get stronger.  I was addicted to it.

My biggest fear was that my love of working out was gone, for good.  I never used to understand when people would say they hated to work out. I honestly thought those people were lazy and frankly crazy.  Working out felt so good, how could someone NOT like it?! Well, I understand now.  Life gets busy and crazy and its hard to remember to set time aside for yourself.  By the time I am done with work, dealing with my dogs and taking care of things around my house, the last thing I want to do is get myself to the gym.

I have been good at going to my personal training classes twice a week, but I struggle to work out on the other days.  I have so many excuses it is ridiculous.  Yesterday, I set my gym clothes on my dining room table. That way, I couldn't blame it on "forgetting".  Having that constant reminder that  I was going to go to the gym in the evening was good.  I mentally prepared myself to go to the gym, to remember to take the time to actually go.  It was 5:00 and I realized the gym closes at 7pm on Sundays.  Instantly my mind said, "see, you can't go to the gym, you don't have enough time".  I stopped myself though.  This excuse was ridiculous, I am not going to be at the gym for two hours, so I have plenty enough.  Heck, 30 minutes on the treadmill is better than nothing.

I went to the gym.  I did the elliptical for 35 minutes with the resistance on and had enough time to do a chest/back workout.  It felt SO good to be at the gym.  The gym was fairly empty.  I watched the Packers game and it was kind of relaxing.  I was so stressed before I went to the gym about my Dad and I had a killer headache.  After 10 minutes on the elliptical, my headache was gone and I felt at ease.

I always feel better after a workout, I have never regretted going to the gym.  So, maybe my love of working out isn't completely gone. Still working on making it a habit, something I automatically want to do everyday.  I am proud of myself for making it to the gym yesterday despite my headache and excuses.  Looking forward to working out with my trainer this evening :)