September 30, 2012

My "Ah ha" Moment

I used to be a huge Oprah fan. She would always talk about these "Ah ha" moments.  Moments of clarity where you make a realization and everything seems to make perfect sense.  Well, I had one of these moments Friday night. 

I am one of those girls that when they like someone, they put their entire lives on hold to wait for that person to text, to call, to ask me to hang out.  I will purposely not make plans for the weekend in hopes of this guy to ask me to hang out.  And when Friday rolls around and he tells me he already has plans for the weekend, I am devastated.  Ridiculous, right? Well, found out on Thursday that the guy I have been crushing on is busy all weekend.  When I say busy, I mean he wants to relax at home with his dog instead. Ouch.

Well, after all my reading this week, I felt inspired to do something, to make plans rather that sit at home and feel defeated.  So, Friday night my best friend and I went out to dinner and went and rode the Great Wheel in downtown Seattle.  After that, we went and met up with a guy that I used to talk to a few months back.  I made plans without this guy and I had a GREAT time.  I did my own thing and for once, I was actually happy and not thinking about anyone but myself.  I didn't check my phone at all to see if he texted me.  I did exactly what I wanted and I had a really great time.

The guy who we met up with asked me to dinner on Saturday night.  Hesitant, I decided to go.  I mean, why not? Why wait around for some guy who blatantly told me he would rather sit at home and cuddle with his DOG?! So, I went to his place at six.  We went to a nice seafood restaurant on the water.  Sat on the deck, drank a glass of wine, watched the sunset and ate dinner.  We talked the entire time, he paid and was a complete gentleman.  We drove around Seattle, listened to Christmas music (I know it is only September) and laughed the entire time.  I had a great time.

Once again, look what I would have missed out if I sat around and waited for this other guy? He never texted, never called all weekend.  I would have been sitting here miserable. Today, I woke up, worked out and drank my coffee with my dogs.

It is amazing.  When I put myself first and do what I actually want to do, I feel true bliss and happiness.  When I feel happy, I am less likely to sit around and wait for someone who clearly doesn't want me.  I feel more confident and at ease.  When I am happy, I tend to like myself more and I don't feel like I need others approval.

So this was my "Ah Ha" moment.  Do what you want. Don't wait around for others. If you consistently do what you want, you will not be let down or disappointed.  I am really going to work on this.  Not allowing my happiness to rely on someone else.  I am in charge of my happiness.

Who knows if this new guy will call or text or ever want to see me again.  But, it doesn't matter.  I enjoyed the moment and had a lovely time.  I was entirely myself and if he doesn't like it, its 100% ok :)


September 28, 2012

Bitter Sweet

This is weird for me. This blog used to mean so much to me and now I have not blogged in over a year. I have stopped running, I am not happy with myself and honestly I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.  As I read through old posts on here, I remember how much joy running brought me. Why did I let a stupid injury stop me?

Lots of things in my life have changed over the last year. I got into a bad relationship, forgot who I was completely. I gave up my entire life for someone who I wasn't all too interested in.  I liked the idea of him, but didn't really like him. Eventually, I realized that he wasn't what I wanted and I broke things off. Ever since then, I feel like I have been in this weird process of trying to find myself.  Who the heck am I? What do I want? What are my goals?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, lots of reading, trying to pinpoint what I need to do to get back on track.  Yesterday, I went to a luncheon for work.  It was an all women's luncheon and to be honest, I was completely dreading it. I have lots of work to do and I really didn't want to drive 30 minutes to eat lunch and be lectured.  Anyways, I went and oh my, it was EXACTLY what I needed.  Funny how that happens.  The speaker talked about how to find harmony in life. How to be at peace with yourself.  She made us write a list of our accomplishments, ten of them. Ten accomplishments?  I sat there, my mind was blank.  While everyone else scribbled things down quickly, I sat there frozen.  An accomplishment? I have nothing. So my accomplishments were:

1. Bought a new car
2. Ended a bad relationship
3. Got a new job
4. Adopted a new puppy

...and that is as far as I got. Four things? That is all I have done in 2012? We are 10 months into the year and I have four lousy accomplishments?! All of my coworkers had long lists of accomplishments that included getting married, having children, running marathons, getting promoted, being happy. I won't lie, I felt pretty lousy.  The speaker then had us write down our Disappointments.  Oh phew, something easy.  So while everyone at the table sat there looking puzzled, I scribbled down a very long list.  Pretty sad.  Well, my list included not saving as much money as I wanted, losing friends, being single, not making as much money as I wanted to, not losing weight, not working out, not being happy...and oh boy, I could go on forever.

She then asked us to compare our accomplishments and disappointments. And just as everyone in the room noticed, all of our accomplishments and disappointments were within our OWN control.  Those accomplishments were things I did, things I put my mind to and succeeded. The disappointments were things I did not work hard enough at, things I had a bad attitude about.  If I want to gain more friend, lose weight, workout more, make more money...I can do all of that. The only thing in my way is myself.

Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I allow my fears get in the way of accomplishing the things I want to do with myself. Why do I downplay my accomplishments and focus on my disappointments?

I started to read "Your Best Year Yet" today, one that was recommended by the speaker.  10 steps towards having the best year of your life.  Easy enough, right? Step one...make a list of your accomplishments. AGAIN?! Ok, so I sat down and took an inventory of the last year. I made a good attempt to give myself credit where credit was deserved.

My new list of accomplishments:

1. Bought a new car - my dream car
2. Ended a horrible relationship
3. Got a new job, which I really enjoy
4. Adopted the sweetest puppy ever
5. Learned to clean and maintain a clean apartment - constantly
6. Gave up gluten completely - solved my stomach issues
7. Remained single after tough breakup, giving myself time to focus on ME
8. Lost 20 lbs on my own from eating better
9. Learned to manage my anxiety without medication
10. Gained responsibility at work

This time, I was able to get all 10. And I feel really good about all 10. Sure, there are things I wish that I could put on that list. But, I guess that is what the list is for. See your accomplishments and all the things you wish you could put on that list go on your 'disappointment' list. And the goal is to make those disappointments become accomplishments.

Next step is making a new disappointment list. I will make time to take a deep inventory of what I want.  More to come :)