July 30, 2009

OCD, Please Leave Me Alone

This has been a very good week. I can't say I have had really awesome workouts or ate super healthy, but I can say that I have truly been happy. Lately, with the health issues I have been having, I feel like I have let my OCD get the best of me. For example, setting my alarm clock at night has been a hassle. If i set my clock for 5:00 and get a bad feeling, I have to change it. Sometimes it takes me ten minutes at night to decided on a time to wake up in the morning. Why can't I set my alarm for 5:00 and let it be? Last night, I set my alarm for 5:17. Why? Because 5:17 was the first time on the clock that didn't give me a 'bad' feeling. My OCD has come a long ways since a year ago, but there is still a lot of progress to be made. OCD, I believe, is all in my head. Nothing bad is going to happen to me if my alarm is set for 5:14 verse 5:17.

Going to bed at night is such a task for me. Besides my alarm, I have to check in my closet, under my bed (yes, because I think a person is hiding in there) and I have to block my door with a crate at night. Once I have checked for 'people' in my room blocked my door, I then have to rearrange the clothes on my floor until I get a 'good feeling'. I normally get a 'good feeling' when I can't see any shoes on the floor. Why do I do this? Because I am out of my mind (haha). I have let my mind convince myself of irrational things...and I am DONE!

This week, I have really realized that life is way too short to let my OCD and anxiety consume me. There is so much more to life. If I let this disorder define me, then I am never going to truly live and experience life. I am not going to let this disorder limit me and what I can do. I am so much more than this disorder. OCD is just another bump along the beautiful road of life. I will not let this stop me from reaching my goals. I have one beautiful life to live, and I am not going to waste it by waiting for 'good feelings' anymore.

I am so thankful for running and the good Lord above. Without the two of them, I truly don't know where I would be.


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